Wendalyn Loves to Write

I'm Downsizing!

2009-09-13T12:36:00.000-04:00

In an effort to declutter my blog writing life, I am going to combine the two writing efforts. From now on I will be posting only on Dipsy Doodling Around Depression. The posts on that blog will be about depression as well as stories about my family, faith stories and just about anything to help me on the to road to finding my voice as a writer. Thanks for visiting! Come on over and dipsy doodle with me sometime....

Back to School

2009-09-04T08:00:00.001-04:00

Have you seen the wonderful TV ad for Staples that uses the christmas song 'It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year'? It is an ad for back to school supplies. The song is inferring that it is the most wonderful time of the year for parents, and in case you don't get the point from hearing that song, they show a dad, leaping for joy down the aisles of Staples as he drags his not so enthusiastic children along with him. I kind of get a kick out of that ad. Just thinking about it tickles my funny bone.

There is however, a less serious side to the back to school story. There are children for whom school is a scary and strange place. They don't fit it. They can't do things the normal way. There are teachers who are challenged beyond their natural capabilities by the demands of a classroom. There are administrators who are ill-equipped to give the leadership required.

Let's pray for them! Pray that God will be their comfort, their strength, and their source of wisdom. Let's pray that those special children will find solace, understanding, guidance and friendship. Let's pray that the challenged teacher gets the help and inspiration they need. Let's pray that those administrators will take their leadership role seriously, and take charge in a way that will make our schools wholesome, safe, creative, and nurturing places to be.

Maybe you would like to pray some of those things along with me, and together we can agree "AMEN!"

How to Pray

2009-09-02T08:00:00.001-04:00

If you are a christian, as I am, then you have probably struggled with the challenge of how to pray. I am continuing in this vein as I talk about praying for your enemies. With a new school season upon us, I am giving particular attention to bullies. Both the bullies and their victims need our prayers.

We can spend a lot of time worrying about prayer and wondering if we are doing it right. When it seems that so often our prayers are not answered, it is easy to give up on praying.

Living as a christian doesn't have to be as complicated as we sometimes make it. When it comes to prayer, Jesus makes it clear how we should pray in Matthew 6:9-13

Our Father in heaven,
hallowed by your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into tempation,
but deliver us from the evil one.

If Jesus said it, then that must be good enough. Pray that prayer for the bullies, for all the children as they return to school and for yourself.

Why Pray for a Bully?

2009-08-31T08:52:00.002-04:00

As I continue to study the art of writing fiction, I am challenged by many things. One of those things is having a 'bad guy' character. They call them antagonists! I have a problem with that. When I watch a movie or read a story, I skip over the bad guy parts. Those parts may be anything from blood and guts violence to a child stealing from his mother's purse. I just don't want to face it...the ugly side of life. And I certainly don't want to write about it.

I remember once, when I was teaching school, and talking to my prinicipal about a particular bad boy in my class, my principal said to me that my problem was that I didn't know how to get inside of the head of the bad boy. That's right! I had no idea what made him tick, and furthermore, I didn't want to know! For me, sometimes 'ignorance is bliss'.

Not thinking about it however, doesn't make it go away. We hear a lot more about bullies than we used to. That is a good thing. Getting evil out in the open is a sure way to burst some of its power. Secret evil has less power as soon as it becomes public. The trend toward talking about it is a good thing.

We do need to pray for the bullies. The bible tells us to love our enemies. Wow, that just goes against the grain doesn't it? Maybe we will not be able to out and out love them, but we can do the loving thing and pray for them. They need help from God as much as we all do. So, picture what you think a bully needs help with. My thoughts are that he needs forgiveness, correction, and love, not necessarily in that order. So, I will pray for God to meet those needs.

If you are still struggling with just HOW to pray for your enemies, I have an idea for you next time.

Missing Summer Things

2009-08-28T08:00:00.002-04:00

Summer is not officially over until September 21st. But with the sounds of crickets in the air, the days getting shorter, the nights getting cooler and the children returning to school, it seems like it is about to end sooner.

Yesterday I mentioned that I will miss open windows when summer is over. There are two more things I will miss.

I will miss summer clothing! I love the freedom. There is something about shorts and barefeet that make me feel like a kid again.

And then there is a colour I will miss so much. Green! What a wonderful colour! And it is not the same when you decorate your house with it. That green needs the sounds and smells to get out of it what I get out of it.

Since my husband and I are retired, we can enjoy summer more than ever. We cherish those September days where the sun is bright, the sky is blue, children have returned to school and we have the parks and the lakes to ourselves.

If you haven't enjoyed much of the summer yet, there is still time. Get out there and see and smell and listen and touch. And if you can't get out in it, open a window!

A Special Sound

2009-08-27T08:00:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I told you that I would tell you about a special sound unique to this time of year that I am enjoying. Have you guessed yet? Crickets! It is mating season for the crickets. Normally throughout the summer, you will hear them at nightfall. The sound of crickets indicates the day is ending. It is kind of a mournful sound, don't you think?

And now that sound indicates not the ending of a day, but the ending of summer. The sounds I will miss mostly about summer won't be the crickets. It will be the birds and the rustling leaves. Those sounds are like friends to me.

There are two other things I will miss about summer. I will tell you about those tomorrow. What will you miss most about summer?

I Love Windows!

2009-08-26T08:00:00.002-04:00

I love windows! I especially love open windows with the air flowing through. That is one of the things I love most about summer - open windows!

As well as the fresh air, an open window allows noises that I love too, such as singing birds and rustling leaves.

I had a favourite view out of a favourite window in all of the houses I lived in. There was usually a rocking chair there to assist me in enjoying my favourite view. I can picture each view in each house as if I were still there.

Those views and those windows took me out of myself and out to another place. Those views were a source of comfort. Even the view I have when I sit at my computer writing this is precious to me. The window comes down as low as my desk and gives me a fine view of our front yard and the street we live on. I see birds quite often, and recently a deer in the yard. Right now it is all green and lush and wonderful.

There is a special sound coming through my window that I hear more at this time of year than at any other time of year. Can you guess what that is? I will tell you tomorrow!

"He's Just Not That Into You"

2009-08-24T19:46:00.003-04:00

I feel like venting.

On the MSN page on my computer (not sure how it gets there, I didn't ask for it...) there was an article called "Ten ways to know if your guy is into you". It is just another take-off on the latest phrase and the movie by the same name "He's Just Not That Into You".

The movie "He's Just Not That Into You" really was cute and there was a lot of truth in it. But my question is this: where is the power for the woman? The whole concept makes it sound like women are just looking for ANY guy and just need to know whether he is really into HER or not, because she can't tell. The suggestion is that as long as he IS into her, that she can be into him, because she just needs SOMEBODY... or ANYBODY.

It really doesn't sound like a selective process at all. And it certainly doesn't put the woman in the driver's seat. It gives the men all the power. And here I thought that women had become too powerful.

Is there a chance that deep down inside, even the young, aggressive, independent and powerful women of today are just little girls looking for a daddy's love and approval? What are women looking for? SOMEBODY or ANYBODY? ....as long they are 'into her'?

I am an old fashioned girl. I believe that women have always been looking for the same thing. Someone to settle down with and have a family with. Someone who would cherish them with as much tenderness as a good father, and love them with as much passion as a romantic hero. Which would mean that if they are dating someone without finding out first if he wants that too, then they are wasting their time and his, whether he is 'really into them' or not.

I have heard some stories lately about daughters of friends who are almost thirty and have just ended a relationship after several years, discovering that he didn't want the same thing they wanted. Wouldn't that conversation be best to have in the beginning of a new relationship, not at the end?

What are these women doing? Are they HOPING he wants the same things without asking?

My dad was a saleman. His theory was that women like that didn't know how to 'close a deal'. Maybe I should write a book called "From Dating to Dealing - How to Close the Deal". What do you think?

"Don't Give Up!"

2009-08-23T19:29:00.003-04:00

I am once again surfacing from a dive into the deep dark pool of depression. Each time I review my research, talk to my doctor and get friends to pray. Each time I learn something new. And each time I DO surface, although when I am at the bottom it feels like I will never see the top again.

Each time I come away with a new plan and renewed hope.

Each time I am reminded of a scripture that I circled so long ago from Psalm 71:20-22

Who, O God is like you?
Though you have made me see troubles many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.
You will increase my honour and comfort me once more.

There is one word in there that I both love and hate, that is "AGAIN". I hate it because it means that I will see troubles over and over again. I love it because it says that God will bring me up 'again', after awhile.

There is something else I say at the end of my 'dipsy doodling blog http://dipsydoodlingarounddepression.blogspot.com/ and that is"

Don't give up!
I'm praying for you.

I pray for people who read my blogs. I pray that God will help them and be their source of comfort and strength. I am praying that for you!

It is easy for me to say positive things today, I am feeling well. I am so glad that God isn't like me, having good days and bad days. I am so thankful that God is the same yesterday, today and forever.

What are you facing today? Will you wait until you desperately need God to consult with Him or will you have a chat with Him about all the stuff in your life, so that when you do face trials, you will be on speaking terms with Him and you will be able to recognize His voice?

Whatever you are going through

Don't give up!
I'm praying for you....

Welcome!

2009-07-17T07:41:00.003-04:00

If this is your first time visiting "Wendalyn Loves to Write" then welcome!

This blog started out as a writing exercise for me as a new writer. Even though I am no longer putting in new posts, they are new to you, so read away! The writings are a mix of devotional material and family stories.

If you are struggling right now with your faith, or lack of it, then maybe some of my stories may strike a cord with your aching heart. I often say a little prayer for people who come to my blogs, so you may be getting prayed over even as you read this!

Happy Birthday!

2009-06-05T18:37:00.007-04:00

This is birthday month in our family. My sister, my nephew, my daughter, my stepdaughter and my father-in-law, all in one week.

Yesterday we celebrated the birthdays of those who live close-by. The oldest of our five combined children, my daughter age 33, and the youngest of the five, which is my husband's daughter, age 25. Birthdays are wonderful reasons to get together and celebrate and since we now have grandchildren among us for these occasions we enjoy them even more.

The little ones enjoy the cake, the singing, the whole idea of a reason to celebrate. Really a birthday, any birthday is a celebration of life! Little people can make a celebration of just about anything. Even waking up from a nap is exciting!

It is so easy to take life for granted... as we live it day in and day out as if it is going to last forever. The two lives celebrated in our home yesterday have been just two of God's millions of creations, but to us, especially important.

Some of us would just like to forget our birthdays. Even I am guilty of that. It is not my age that I want to ignore, it is just probably feeling that it is a big fuss over nothing. But a birth, a life, is not nothing! And I was reminded of that yesterday as we gathered together to celebrate life!

And so I would like to share some photos of our celebration.

Here are the birthday girls preparing to blow out the candles with help from granddaughter number one.

Here is the newest member of our family, grandchild number three, our first boy, antipating that tasty morsel of ice cream that his dad is bringing his way!

Granddaughter number two has decided to make tossed salad out of her ice cream.

And well, this is before the festivities began but I couldn't resist sharing this wonderful photo of three lives, ready to take on ... life!

Whether today is your birthday or not, Happy Birthday! I am sure the day God created you the angels were rejoicing!

Twitter or Fritter?

2009-05-29T11:23:00.003-04:00

Welcome! If this is the first time for you to visit my blog then welcome! I don't post here as often as I used to. I have started another blog, a 'niche blog' as they call it, on depression. You may want to go over there and check it out and send anyone you know who lives with depression. http://dipsydoodlingarounddepression.blogspot.com/ I think I have some useful tips and that my journey may encourage someone else.

In the meantime I have signed up for Twitter and I think I have already regretted doing that. The word sounds too much like 'fritter' and the whole thing seems a little bit like frittering too. Why do I do these things? It seemed like a good idea at the time.... Even Facebook seems like too much effort to keep up with for this gal.

I have been feeling my novel calling me back. I wrote it and wrote it and wrote it, seven drafts in all and then...I began to study the art of writing. The more I studied, the more I felt like the novel wasn't worth much and so I put it aside and figured it was just a fun thing to do at the time but I probably wouldn't ever get back to it. Just the thought of applying all of the things I was learning to my novel seemed overwhelming and pointless, and so, I threw out the baby with the bathwater.

I tend to do that. I am a bridge burner. I am a deleter. I am a 'throw things out if you haven't used them for a year' kind of person.

But this novel was something close to my heart, like a friend, or even a child that I created and so I think it is time to get back to it. I miss it like I miss an old friend. The main reason I started this particular blog was to hone my writing skills, to force myself to write every day and it worked well.

Thank you for visiting and I will keep you posted! In the meantime you may want to come and visit me sometime on my new blog. There aren't quite as many stories, more information, but there are jokes if you need a good laugh!

Happy Mothers Day!

2009-05-10T09:13:00.002-04:00

If this is your first time to visit, welcome! Even though I am seldom posting on this blog lately, I wanted to pop in and say 'hi!'

My regular posting is now taking place on my new blog http://dipsydoodlingarounddepression.blogspot.com/

Please come and visit me there!

You are invited...

2009-04-29T21:04:00.003-04:00

I have enjoyed sharing some stories about my faith and my family with you!

You are invited to come and visit me at my new blog http://dipsydoodlingarounddepression.blogspot.com/

This blog will be focusing on my journey with depression in a positive way.

About my new blog:

“Another blog about depression? What makes this one any different?”

This blog is different because I am the author, and I am different from anybody else in the whole world. So are you! Depression is not a melting pot. We have it in common, but we are still individuals. I am special. You are special!

You still have hope that there may be something more you can learn to help you to heal and cope. The fact that you are reading this blog proves it.

Getting new perspective on an old problem can be helpful and bring hope. That is what dipsy doodling will do for you. That is what this blog can do for you. You will receive information, encouragement, humour and stories that will touch your heart. You may even make a new friend!

And so please come on over and visit me there and do forward this encouraging blog to anyone you may know whose life has been affected by depression."

I may come back to this blog from time to time to share a story or two.... In the meantime, see you over at Dipsy Doodling Around Depression!

Where Did I Put My Keys?

2009-04-28T13:04:00.003-04:00

When I first met my husband he was 49 years old. Every single time we would go to the car he would start fishing around in his pockets and say "now where did I put those keys?" My instant thought was "well, where do you usually put them?" or "how many pockets do you have?"

It was surprising and annoying. But right away I realized that it was more annoying for him than for me. We have been married for ten years now and I am not even sure if he says that anymore. Either it has become so normal for me, or it bugged me so much that he stopped saying it. He is not the only one that can't remember....

Not being able to find stuff is just one of the really frustrating things for the ADD. They usually live in so much chaos that nobody could find things in such an atmosphere. Their minds are so cluttered, that when they put something down, they are thinking about something else altogether and so their mind just doesn't register where they put it down.

ADDers are not the only ones who misplace stuff. I do it too, just not as frequently. But when I am struggling to find something I pray and ask the Lord to help me find it. And do you know what? He almost always does! And so when I met Cliff I shared this little habit with him.

Now let's remember that men don't ask for directions. They do not like to ask for help. They like to prove that they can do things without help. The same is true of finding things that are lost. If someone else finds the lost object, that just proves that he could not do it on his own. It would be more of a comfort to think that the reason he couldn't find the object is because it just isn't there.
Soon, however, Cliff discovered that my prayers worked but even though he could see the proof, I could still sense his skeptimism. This continued until this spring.

One day recently, he was looking for some lost keys. This time HE was NOT the one who lost them, I was! I dropped them during the winter in a pile of deep snow and as soon as the snow was gone, Cliff was out there looking for them. He tried several times over a couple of days.

Finally one day he in came in the house and announced triumphantly "I found the keys!"

I said "Great! How did you do it?"

He responded sheepishly that he had been just about to give up and then decided to pray and when he opened his eyes, there they were! We both laughed, knowing that we had experienced this so many times but that it had always been ME that did the praying. This time Cliff decided to give it a try, and God didn't let him down.

Cliff realized that this was not something that Wendy was able to do that he could not. He learned that God is able to do anything and that sometimes he does just what we ask him to.

So, you may be wondering. Is this story about ADD or about God? Both! ADD or any other condition that handicaps us is not outside of God's knowledge, concern, or ability to help. It is not some big mistake in the grand scheme of things.

I do not understand why such conditions exist, and ADD is certainly not the most difficult thing in the world to live with. But it is one of the many things that we may be exposed to either in ourselves or in the life of someone we care about. It is another opportunity to show love and compassion. It is another chance to help instead of hinder.

You may be thinking "why would God help to do something as simple as finding things for Wendy and Cliff and yet not find the cure for cancer?" That is a good question. I don't have the answer. But that doesn't mean there is no God. It just means we can't figure him out.

I may have to take a couple more days due to computer problems , but next time I am going to share with you a new idea which may interest you or someone you love.

ADDers are Fun!

2009-04-24T07:39:00.002-04:00

My husband learned to develop the ability to laugh at himself at a young age. Even his grade one teacher called him 'the absent minded professor'. He is so forgetful that he can forget what he is doing when he is right in the middle of it!

Leaving the house to run some errands has become a joke at our house. He makes a list, gathers up a few things such as his cell phone and any paperwork that has to go. And then out the door and just when you think he is gone, he is back in the house...'I forgot the cell phone' and back out the door he goes... I think.... and then I hear him come in...'I forgot my list'... and on it goes.

Sometimes it is fun to just sit in our front room by the big window and watch him leave and then watch him come back up our little walkway a time or two. We both laugh about it.

Not so funny is when he rushes out the door and is gone and I look at the kitchen counter where he gathered all of the things he needed take with him and there they are!

Now you might say 'that happens to me sometimes'. It does happen to all of us, but with an ADD person it happens almost ALL the time. And you have to laugh or you would be crying a lot.

But what makes an ADD person really fun is that they love interruption. They often don't take life too seriously (if they did they would be setting themselves up for failure and so it is easier to just not take life too seriously), and so they will drop just about anything to do something more fun.

My husband could be right in the middle of cutting the grass and I could say "want to go for a drive?" and he'll just smile and say "sure" and forget all about that grass, for days even....

I can even remember when we were first married that I observed right away that he would do anything I asked him, that is if he could just remember what it was! And he would laugh at that right along with me.

One of the situations that is more frustrating than laughable is losing stuff. I never knew there was someone this old (61) who could say "where did I put my keys?" as often as he does. Next time I will tell you some stories of lost stuff and how we find it.

How to Help an ADD

2009-04-23T07:39:00.002-04:00

As I have given a brief summary of some of the characteristics of the ADD personality, I have listed unattentive, easily distracted, poor finishers and forgetfulness.

That sounds awful! Well it is awful in some ways, but it is hardest on the ADD person, not on the person who has to live with them. At least it doesn't have to be hard on that other person if they act instead of react. This is easier said than done, but it can be done!

If possible, the best thing to do with an ADD is to work with them. Keep them on task. Keep them focused. Think of it as a way you can spend some time together.

Make a list. Now this must be a short list. Three things at the most. Or better still, you make the list and keep it to yourself. Let the ADD only know about the first thing on the list. If they have to concentrate, give them just one thing at a time to concentrate on.

Break the job down into small steps. Never say 'clean your room' or 'clean out the garage', that is not specific enough and too overwhelming. Instead you may say 'we are going to clean your room and we will start by picking up your clothes off of the floor and putting them into one single pile'. Then when that is done, 'now we will sort your clothes into dirty and clean, dumping dirty into the laundry basket and putting the clean away'. (You can be sure if it is a child they will say they are all dirty.) 'Okay, now let's pick up everything else off of the floor, one thing at a time and we will decide together what to do with each thing.' See what I am saying? Break it down. Make it impossible for them NOT TO FAIL. They don't need anymore failure. Build in fun break into the job.

Also, give any task a time limit. Don't push them into getting it done within a time limit but to show them that we are only going to spend ________ much time on it. If they think it is going to take all day they will feel discouraged before they start.

If you can, make it fun! Not the distracting kind of fun, like TV, but maybe background music, or sing while you work.

My parents managed to make tasks fun. I particularly liked working with my dad. Take leaf raking for instance. To start with, you knew that mom was in the house preparing a nice snack for our break which we could look forward to. Dad would make it fun somehow, maybe just because I liked being with him. And we always knew, that once those leaves were in a big pile we would take a break and do some jumping in them before fixing up the pile again and burning them. Half way through this ritual mom would appear with a cheerful smile (probably so happy to have us out of the house!) and a tray with snacks for everyone. Even if I did complain, and I probably did, I have fond memories of those times.

I know this seems like a lot of effort, but it is worth it! And if you are really lucky, that ADD person may just get hyperfocused on the job and you can walk away for awhile. The important thing is to make it fun! And you know what? ADDER's are more fun than anybody!

Next time I am going to tell you about some of the fun we have had around our house because of ADD!

ADD and Finishing Projects

2009-04-22T08:57:00.004-04:00

Due to the tendency towards distraction, it is likely that they WILL start a lot of different projects!

They don't need judgment, they need prayer. They don't need nagging, they need help. They don't need accusations, they need forgiveness.

We all, not just those with ADD, have various parts of our personality that are annoying for others. The ADD is not unique that way. However, with some understanding of the nature of ADD, you can work with it instead of against it. You can get the best out of it instead of feeling like a victim. The ADD could feel like a victim, the family of the ADD person could feel like a victim, and the teacher of an ADD child could feel that way too.

Think of it from the ADD's point of view. They have all these great ideas. They know they are as smart if not smarter than most people. But they can't finish anything and they have little to show for their efforts...lots of beginnings and no endings. They feel like failures a lot of the time. A person who already feels like a failure does not need further judgement dumped on them. They do enough judging of themselves!

So, if you live with an ADD person, what can you do to help them instead of hinder them? I have a few ideas I will share with you next time.

ADD and Hyperfocus

2009-04-21T07:50:00.002-04:00

As I have discussed ADD on these last few posts, I have emphasized the negative side which is their inability to concentrate without being distracted, and their inability to organize, to create and maintain order.

As with all things however, there is a flip side. If the ADD person starts a project that is extremely interesting or important to them, they will become totally locked in, or 'hyperfocused'. They will be able to stick with that activity for a long period of time without being distracted. They will bury themselves in it to the exclusion of everyone and everything.

Now, IF they do get distracted from this project, there is a chance that they may never come back to it.

That leads us back to another negative of ADD, their inability to finish things. Next time I will talk about that.

ADD Discrimination

2009-04-20T07:23:00.004-04:00

So, why does my husband take EVERY brochure? Because they all present the same level of interest for him. He can't prioritize them. He has a hard time eliminating some of them in preference of others.

This is one of the contributors to the condition; everything is equally distracting, not just some things. That is why they are distracted almost all the time.

If you were to ask a simple question such as "would you rather play hockey or baseball?" the ADD person would immediately start thinking about ALL of the attributes of BOTH and find it difficult to chose one over the other.

Everything is of equal interest. Now that is not to say that the ADD person has no preferences. They do. But they find it hard to choose because they see everything! They find it hard to see the 'big picture'. For them it is always a million little pictures of equal size.

Decision making is therefore difficult and so often procrastination follows. Combine these challenges with their inherant lack of organization and you have utter CHAOS!

But wait, there is a flip side! The ADD person can also, sometimes, concentrate better than anybody else! Next time I will explain.

ADD Shopping

2009-04-17T08:27:00.003-04:00

As I continue to share some stories about my ADD husband, and hopefully shed some light on this frustrating mental disorder, I would like to talk some more about distraction.

Yesterday I explained how the very thing the ADD craves, distraction, is the very thing that makes their life so difficult (and makes them so annoying!) It is like they are addicted to distraction. They crave it, they want it, it feels right, it triggers some pleasure button that they want to experience again and again. And, like all addictions, it gets them into trouble.

And so distraction is the enemy. The opposite of distraction would be concentration, and let's face it, we need to be able to concentrate if we are to accomplish anything!

I had an uncle, Uncle Ed, he was one of my favourite people in the whole world. Anyways, he was an old bachelor, a real sweety, who would do anything to be helpful. The thing was, that he wasn't really ABLE to be helpful in a lot of areas and so we had to pick out jobs carefully for him, and try to keep some jobs secret from him so he wouldn't try to help and then hurt himself. It was kind of sneaky and underhanded, but we had to do it that way because we loved him.

It is the same with any of our shortcomings, and we all have them. We have to do what we are able to do and let others do what they are able to do. Now then, what job do you give someone to do if they can't concentrate?

I am sure the answer to this question would vary from one ADD person to another, but in the case of my husband, the answer would be shopping! To start with, he loves shopping and I do not. Secondly, he loves stores, the colours, the millions of things to look at, and yes, you've got it, the DISTRACTIONS! You are catching on....

He works with a list which keeps him partially on track. He is so clever so he studies every purchase like a professor working on his second PhD. And he loves it! But there is something so funny about the way he shops. I have observed this the few times I have gone with him. He doesn't want to leave the store. He doesn't want to leave the distraction. He doesn't want it to be over. And so, he oftens leaves the store backwards, looking to see if he has missed anything. He is sad to have the distraction over, the fun finished, just back to the car and home again.

If there are any kinds of brochures or flyers at the exit door, he will pick up every one. I could not begin to count the numbers of flyers I have recycled behind his back. Sometimes he picks up the same ones over and over again. And he fully intends to read them too, but by the time he gets home there will be new distractions and he will forget all about those flyers, for awhile.

If you are living with someone with ADD, and you did not have any understanding of this condition, you would think they were lazy and stupid. They are not! They are usually smarter than most, but it is camoflauged under their forgetfulness. True, they are frustrating people to live with, but anyone who is different than us is frustrating to live with, even if they aren't ADD. Thing with ADD is that produces its own unique kind of frustration.

So why did my husband pick up EVERY brochure on the way out of the store and not just those which really interested him? I will talk to you next time about ADD and discrimination.

ADD's Crave Distraction!

2009-04-16T08:52:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I mentioned two things that our pastor does that seem to help my ADD husband focus on the sermon. The first thing is that he always mentions hockey during the sermon, usually right at the beginning. That GETS my husband's attention. (The ADD person is no different from the rest of us in that things which interest us are easy to give our attention to). The next thing is that the pastor has something going on at the same time, images on the overhead. Distraction can sometimes help focus!

You may be one of those people who can study better with background noise. The distraction helps you focus! Silence would cause your mind to wander. Some ADD people can be like that. My husband can't just watch TV. He is always reading something or working on the computer at the same time. To concentrate on just ONE thing is very painful for the ADD. They can do it if they have to. We can all do hard things when necessary, but this is a costly and difficult thing for the ADD, concentrating on one thing.

This sounds contradictory. Their problem is distraction and yet they need distraction in order to concentrate! This is just another interesting and complex thing about the ADD person. The one thing that is so annoying to them and makes their lives so frustrating as well as frustrating to those who live with them - DISTRACTION - is the very thing they crave and sometimes need.

It is like they wake up each day with a craving - what can I find to distract me today? You know how some people hate to be interrupted? Not my husband, he loves to be interrupted! He could run from job to job to job to job all day long. Of course at the end of the day he will be angry at himself for once again, accomplishing nothing. And I may even be angry at him for accomplishing nothing as well.

It is important to realize that this behaviour does not necessarily indicate laziness. It is just the inability to stick with one job. I have found that working with Cliff on a job is helpful. Now this is not always possible, but if it is possible, it works.

Stay with me now. As I continue to describe different aspects of this disorder, you will begin to understand more and see some ways in which it can be livable, both for the sufferer and the sufferee!

Next time I am going to tell you why my husband walks out of stores backwards....yes.... backwards! You have to see it to believe it!

EYE - HAND - MIND - TOUCHING....

2009-04-15T07:57:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I mentioned how holding my husband's hand during a movie helped him to stay focused on the movie and enjoy the entire show without missing important parts of the plot.

The challenge with the ADD person is not just keeping their attention, it is also getting their attention in the first place. They often don't even look at you while you are speaking, their eyes are usually all over the place, along with their minds. Touching can also help you to get their attention before you even speak. So, take that person's hand, rub it a little bit, and then ask them to look at you. They usually will. This will usually stop the distractions momentarily, long enough for you to communicate with them.

There is another good reason why touching is so important to the ADD. Being ADD is not a nice thing, it is awful! Many people with ADD feel like failures. Not being able to concentrate means usually not being able to accomplish all of the things you want to. It usually means a lot of unfinished projects. It often means feeling like a big fat failure!

Touching them now and then, makes them feel human, validated, important, and cherished. This touching can work both ways. If the ADD person in your life is driving you nuts, you may not feel like touching them at all. You may be angry with them since their behaviours make your life difficult. Touching can diffuse some of your anger towards them, and remind you that even though they do have some annoying behaviours, you love them! And besides, we all have annoying behaviours, not just people with ADD.

This is a particularly challenging aspect of my own marriage. With a mental disorder of my own, bipolar disorder, sometimes I do not want to see, hear or least of all touch anyone! The good news is that my husband has made it as much a point to understand my disorder as I have to understand his, and so, with a lot of love and understanding, and God's grace, we do manage.

The pastor at our church seems to do a pretty good job at getting Cliff's attention as well. He usually mentions hockey somewhere in the sermon, and often right at the beginning. He uses overhead images as well and so there is something else going on at the same time, and provides some distractions. Now, here is a silly thing! For the ADD person, sometimes a little distraction can actually help them focus! Just how does that work? I will tell you about it tomorrow!

ADD...Now Pay Attention to This!

2009-04-14T09:53:00.003-04:00

As I share some stories about the behaviour of my ADD husband, I am reminded of one of the first times we went to a movie together. We held hands through the entire movie, and when we came out, my husband said that he thinks it was the first time he was able to follow a story without being distracted.

His kids hated watching a TV show with him, because he would miss certain things and then interrupt the story by asking them questions, and then they would miss things and then everyone would be frustrated.

So why would a movie, and holding hands make any difference... maybe because in a theatre, it is dark and there are less distractions. But no that is not the answer.

The answer is in the hand holding. One of the best ways to stop the distraction and get the attention of the ADD person is through touch. It is like grounding an electrical charge. Human touch helps them to zone in.

If you want to tell them something important, take their hand first, make sure you have their attention, and then tell them. This works for school teachers as well. However, these days it might be difficult to touch a student without being sued, but for kindergarten teachers it would probably work.

This is not only a good idea for communicating with an ADD person, it would probably enhance communication with just about anybody!

ADD...ADDED DIMENSION

2009-04-13T07:19:00.003-04:00

ADD adds a dimension to my life like nothing else could. Let me explain. My husband has ADD which stands for Attention Deficit Disorder. What does that mean? It means he has a hard time paying attention and/or staying attentive on one thing. It means if he goes to the store to get bread and milk, he may come home with pop and chips. It means if you are talking to him he looks like he is not listening. It means that he always has something on his mind that has nothing to do with what is going on right in front of him.

Sound annoying? It is! But it is harder on him than on me. Let me explain. A person with ADD is kind of like someone who is hard of hearing. They miss things, but they get some things. They daydream so much that they are never sure just what they missed. For instance, an ADD student in a classroom, will attempt to listen to the lesson, but begin to be distracted by some other thoughts going around in their head. The teacher asks a question. The ADD student says to themselves 'I think I know the answer, but I have been far away daydreaming and I don't know how long I have been away, so I had better not answer and look stupid'. Usually however, that ADD student does know the answer because they are so clever. They don't think they are clever, because they are so forgetful.

Not only are they seriously forgetful, they are often messy, to the extreme. It is difficult for an ADD to create order or keep order. They often live in chaos and so that means the are always losing things. And so distraction heaps upon distraction. Sound frustrating? It is!

It is frustrating to live with someone like this, but no more frustrating that living with anyone who has different strengths and weaknesses from you. When I first met my husband and suspected he was ADD, we heard about a doctor in a nearby city who was doing a study on adult ADD and was looking for adults to volunteer to be tested. Cliff volunteered. I was there observing and it was fascinating. One of the interesting exercises he got Cliff to perform was some simple eye/hand/knee stuff. Cliff and the doctor would sit facing one another and the doctor would do some of these movements, for instance, he might touch his right eye, his left knee and then his right eye. Cliff would have to mirror this. Now my Cliff is an extremely intelligent man, but he couldn't do it. He would either get the first two movements right, or the last two, but somewhere along the way, some distraction would cause him to forget the complete exercise.

The doctor confirmed that he was ADD, but he said something very positive to my Cliff. He said that for someone with ADD he deserved some credit. He had maintained one marriage for 21 years and one job for over 30 years. Apparently most adults with ADD cannot say that! Hooray for Cliff!

So anyways, does he drive me nuts? Yes! But no more than I drive him nuts, for other reasons. However, there is a bright side to all of this and I would like to share with you some strategies that worked for us. Maybe you can tell someone who is dealing with ADD in their family (it is genetic by the way) and send them over for a few days!

Pray for Stepfamilies Everywhere

2009-04-09T08:25:00.003-04:00

Before I had children, I wondered what was wrong with all of those parents who had bratty children...couldn't they DO something? After I had children, I did not judge so harshly because I now understood just what they were going through.

Before I was divorced, I judged ALL divorced people. What is wrong with them? Why don't they try harder? What happened? Well now I know exactly what happened....one person decided to quit. I often hear people ask 'what happened' when a couple divorces. They want to know the reasons, have it explained to them somehow. They wonder what led up to the divorce. I feel the answer is quite simple; one person decided to quit.

I have known people with terrible marriages, difficult circumstances to overcome, but they stay together through it all. Neither of them decides to quit. And I know people who did not have a lot to overcome in their marriage and yet they do not quit. May we all judge less harshly and pray a little more for those families.

All marriages are difficult some of the time. All families are challenging...most of the time! Second marriages where there has been divorce, stepfamilies, are even more challenging. If you know anyone in this circumstance, pray for them! They don't need judgement, they need support, they need prayer.

As I get ready to end this series of stories about my experiences in my second marriage with a stepfamily, I remember what my stepdad said to me when I was preparing my mother's eulogy: "Please leave them laughing, not crying!" And so that is what I will try to do here.

Here is a quick description of my stepfamily. To start with, they are all brilliant, which means they are not too gifted on the practical side of life. My husband is ADD, he can forget almost anything seconds after he is told. He is late ALL the time. His oldest son is ADHD adding hyperactivity to the mix. The next son is distracted for his own reasons, he is intellectual, curious, absorbed. That leaves the youngest daughter, wanting attention but unable to get it in a family where attention is in the deficit, sensitive but tough due to having brothers,the only girl in the mix, and over run and frustrated by the confusion, the noise, the craziness of this household. And of course, being a woman, she knew there had to be a better way! When I first met them all, I noticed that when they were driving along the road in their blue van, their van shook more than most vans... they were always on the move and there was always something going on inside the van. As much as I learned to love them all, they drove me crazy and I was sure I would never fit it. And I was also sure that I would not want anyone to think I was responsible for this crazy mix of people!

As we were preparing for my oldest daughter's wedding, I had to concentrate on my own family and not on my stepfamily. I only needed my husband to do ONE thing...pick up the cake! Since I knew that would be a challenge for him, I alerted my stepdaughter (who can handle anything, and everything!) and trusted her to see that he did it. Then all they had to do after that was get to the church...on time! I could not be there to help that happen, I was with my daughter and the bridal party.

It is the day of the wedding. I am in the limosine with the bridal party and we are almost at the church. In front of us on the road was a blue van which appeared to be rocking from side to side, and I realized something: that was MY gang! Did you hear me say it? MY gang! I will never feel like one of them, but I am certainly part of them.

I found out later that they did not leave enough time to deliver the cake to the reception hall before the wedding (typical) and so had to take the cake to the wedding. It was a hot day and so they had to leave the car running with the air-conditioner all during the entire ceremony!

This is just an example of the things that happen when you have ADD in the family. You have to laugh or you will be crying ALL the time. And so for the next while I will share some stories about ADD, and believe me, most of the will be funny!

Remarriage, Stepfamilies and Time Out

2009-04-08T08:31:00.002-04:00

The 'time out' I am referring to here is for the couple, not the children! Couple time is challenging in any marriage where there are children. Add on the fact that this is a second marriage compounds the challenge of building a solid foundation.

There is so much history, some of it baggage, some of it heartache, and some of it not over yet. When divorce has preceded the marriage, the exes are still around and when there are children involved, you still know just what your ex is up to. This adds further challenge to this new relationship.

Another challenge when there are children, is that you have to share your spouse with their children. This is quite natural when the children belong to both of you, but when they don't, it can be a dividing element. There is no room for immaturity or selfishness.

So, there are not just two of you in this marriage, there are several people....

That being said, like any newlyweds, we needed to carve out some time, just for ourselves. One of the things we did was buy a little trailer in a park about an hour from here. The kids did join us occasionally but that did not last long because as they grew they all had summer jobs. We did not leave them home alone however, but on the days when they were with their mom, as soon as we said goodbye to them, off we went to the trailer!

This was a great getaway for us, away from people and household responsibilites. Housework in a trailer can be accomplished in five or ten minutes! Since my husband was a retired teacher, and I was a self-employed artist, we could choose our own days to be away. The children were usually with us on weekends and so we went to the trailer during the week which gave us even more quiet time, since most of the other trailer folks were there only on weekends! It was like having the whole park to ourselves.

When the kids were home, they would sleep in on weekends and we would go out for breakfast. In the evenings if we needed a break we would just go out for a walk. Remember that time alone is not just for romantic purposes but also so you can fight without the kids hearing you! And fight in front of children who had already been through divorce once, was not something we wanted to do to those kids.

It hasn't been easy, it has been hard! But ten years later, here we are!

Redecorating the "Old" New House

2009-04-07T07:58:00.001-04:00

Even before we were married, when Cliff and I discussed where we would live, he was adamant about staying in his own house. I could see his reasons. His parents lived down the road and his kids were used to dropping in on them regularly. His ex-wife lived in the other direction farther down the road and it was convenient for all of the comings and goings to stay here. I resisted the idea of living in 'his' house but I could see his reasoning. And besides, it was a nice house!

Cliff insisted that I could redecorate it any way I wanted and it would eventually become 'my' house. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for his kids, but they did understand one thing, that I had to move from my house and they got to stay in theirs.

This was another area where I needed God's grace to help me live somewhere that I had not chosen. The redecorating began! Cliff kept his word and I got to do what I wanted.
One time, when I was repainting the living room, making a very subtle change from a cool white to a pail yellow, one of the boys (the one who hates change the most) came into the living room and said 'what was wrong with the old colour?'

I answered "remember the deal? I had to move and you didn't."

"Oh ya, oh ya" he was quick to respond and left me to it.

These kids were so good to me, I did not deserve it. There was not one harsh word, one angry look, one moment of disrespect or rebellion. They might have had something to say to their dad about me now and then, but not once did they directly attempt to make my life miserable.

Now, have you noticed how much of my stories have been about the kids? That's the way it was, and that's the way it is. Those kids, their feelings, their disrupted lives, were on the top of our list and we did all we could to support them and remind them that they were still loved and still important to their mom or their dad. We did not want what we had as a couple, make them feel excluded in any way.

So, where did that leave Cliff and I in all of this? Was there any time for us to be just a couple? I will tell you more about that next time.

Keeping the Family History Alive

2009-04-06T07:56:00.003-04:00

I was determined that despite my new life, I would make time for my own daughters with whom I had always been close. Yes, we combined the two families for holiday festivities (I didn't have the energy for doing it twice!), but I tried to make time to be with my own kids, by myself. I didn't always take Cliff along. I even made a point of meeting them elsewhere occasionally so they could have me to themselves. This was important for both me and for them.

And when we were alone, just the three us I would sometimes reminisce with them. We would remember different things we had done as a family. I would tell them stories about their dad. I had loved their dad and had believed that we had been a happy family before he left. I was not going to let all of that history come to an abrupt end. Even though it ended abrupty and hurtfully, I could not live as though it had never happened.

By the time my girls were married and starting to have families of their own, I was enjoying another one of our special visits, just the three of us. Having added husbands and grandchildren to the gang, makes these visits even more precious. I had decided that this particular day I would tell them, once again, the story of their dad and me, starting from when we first met. Who would be more interested in this story than these two people? I had an attentive audience! We laughed, we cried, we shared... I told the story which, had it not happened, the girls would not be there. It was a life-giving story.

The older children get, the more interested they are in family history and now that these girls were parents, they appreciated the stories even more. I told them that I always wanted them to remember how their parents had met and fallen in love and how much we had loved each other. I wanted to keep some of the history alive.

I believe that this was just another bit of wisdom the Lord gave to me even though I was a stepmother to another family. I would encourage anyone, stepfamily or not, to keep the stories
going alive by re-telling them...once in awhile.

Next time I will tell you about how we handled the Florida holiday, second time around.

STK?PKITW!

2009-04-04T10:30:00.003-04:00

As I continue to share some lessons I have learned about stepparenting, I will tell you some things I did that worked...for everyone.

The truth was, I had moved into a messy house. No one seemed to object to my help with cleaning it up. But the children had never been expected to do much around the house. This presented a problem for me as I wasn't planning to become a maid to them. It wouldn't have been good for me or for them. I knew I would resent them if I were the one to pick up after them, especially since they were 14, 16 and 18.

These kids did not have bad attitudes. None of them had a chip on their shoulder. They are all good kids, nice kids. So I told them honestly, that if I didn't get some help around the house, I would resent them, and they would end up hating me because I was hating them and we would all lose. I suggested that I could just give them one job each.

The neat thing about these kids is that they respond well to adults. They love attention and I was certainly giving them plenty of that. And the other thing in my favour is that they loved games and competitions. They could make a game or competition out of anything. And they were funny. They could make a joke out of anything.

I continued to observe, like a spy. I discovered that they had difficulty creating order out of chaos, as lots of people do, but if I created the order, they could keep it. The kitchen was the main challenge as the constant in between meal eating went on all day (do boys ever get full?). So, I made a sign for the kitchen which said STK? PKITW! Which stood for "See the kitchen? Please keep it that way!" The sign was like a game and they all played it well.

Next time I would like to tell you about 'keeping family history alive'.

Substitute Teacher or Stepmom?

2009-04-03T08:27:00.004-04:00

My experience as a substitute teacher helped me a lot in my new role as a second wife and a stepmother.

A substitute teacher doesn't walk into a classroom and set out to change it. She comes in, finds a list of suggestions for the day, and attempts to follow through on the plans laid out by the 'regular' teacher. However, the difference between me and a substitute teacher was that I was a permanent stepmom not a substitute stepmom and...they already had a mom!

Now, as a stepmom, I was not so fortunate to have a list waiting for me. But, because of my experience as a substitute teacher, I decided to observe the layout of the classroom/home and to see how I could come alongside of what was already going on and add to it, not take away from it. I needed to show respect for the rituals, the habits, the everyday way of doing things that already were in place.

This is not an easy or natural thing for any woman to do. As a 48 year old woman, I was used to having my own home, doing things my own way etc. I was used to being the one to set the tone for the home, the rules, and carrying them out.

Sometimes a substitute teacher's greatest challenge was the students who often would show total disrespect for the temporary teacher and set out to make her life miserable. I am thankful for stepchildren who did not do that to me!

I asked God for help. I was straight with him saying that since he was the one who called me there, the least he could do is show me the way. At this point I can honestly say that life had become so crazy, busy, noisy, messy, hectic and confusing that I was having a little trouble hearing God's still small voice, but I do believe he gave me a few practical ideas that were helpful to me without being too intrusive on the way of life already in progress. I will tell you about some of those ideas next time.

Florida...but not everyone!

2009-04-02T09:00:00.001-04:00

In order to 'not blend' we managed to not put the families together too much. We tried to make sure that each set of kids continued to have some time with their one original parent.

When I did not take Cliff along all the time when I visited my daughters, he knew why. And my daughters and I enjoyed our times without 'the whole gang' as well.

Since we lived in Cliff's family home, his kids were naturally 'at home' there and so they had a huge comfort zone, even if I had been added to the mix. And so when I would leave for awhile to visit my own kids, my stepkids could have their dad all to themselves as usual.

When it came time for Florida, we did not pile them all in the car once again. This time, my girls and I flew down the week ahead, and spent an entire week with their grandmother. We enjoyed that time so much, it was special for us to just be 'us' again for a bit. And since the grandmother belonged to them, it was good for them to have some special time with her without having to share her as well as their mother with the new steps.

My girls flew home after one week, and Cliff and his kids drove down to join me for a second week. He and his kids enjoyed their drive down without me, doing things the way they were used to and having their dad to themselves. We spent a wonderful week together and I did not have to feel 'torn' as I sometimes did.

Best of all, I got two weeks in Florida instead of one!

Next time I would like to tell you how my experience as a substitute teaching helped me to carve out a role as stepmother.

Blended Families

2009-03-29T14:42:00.005-04:00

I spent many years teaching art to elementary school children. My favourite art lesson was painting and so we painted a lot. The kids loved it because most teachers didn't let them paint very much due to the mess. But I loved painting so much, that the mess didn't bother me at all!

We would put the paint in these paint trays (kind of like plastic muffin tins), red, yellow, blue, black and white. The students would mix their own colours. When they were finished their painting they would inevitably mix up the last of their paint. They would stir and stir and stir watching the colours mix into each other. After much stirring, they all came up with the same old colour....brown!

Mixing the paint lost the original colours, it ruined all potential of making use of those wonderful reds, blues and yellows. I am sure you have already guessed where I am going with this illustration. If you attempt to blend the families, you may lose the very essence of them.

You see, each family is a culture unto itself. I have heard it said that one of the tragedies of divorce is that each time a family is torn apart, one small civilization dies.

I learned, with God's help, to try to respect the differences and not throw out the special things that make a family a family. Next time I will give you a few examples of how I did this.

We Did It!

2009-03-29T14:23:00.006-04:00

We did it! Here we are... all decked out in our new suits. Seven new suits cost more than the entire wedding (it was a very small wedding). Seven of us facing unchartered territory. Seven of us entering into a partnership that we all wondered what we were going to lose or to gain.

In a first marriage I believe the marriage must come before the children. As a man and wife put their marriage first and keep it strong and keep their love alive, the children automatically benefit from that.

In a second marriage, where there are children, I believe that it should be different. My husband and I were in agreement that the children had to still feel that they were first in each of our lives. Historically they had been part of our lives before the marriage. We did not want them to feel set aside for the new spouse.

However, we still wanted to create a strong marriage for them. We wanted to provide some security that had been taken away from them because of divorce. This is not something that is accomplished once and for all. This is something we still work on day by day with God's help.

And so I after ten years I would say to anyone that marries a second time, keep those precious children from the first marriage in that same special place in your heart and in your life, take as many opportunities to show them how important they still are to you! I believe God led us in this way....

Next time I would like to tell you how WE DID NOT BLEND our two families.

Remarriage?

2009-03-29T14:06:00.005-04:00

As I continue to share some of the lessons that being in a stepfamily has taught me, I am reminded of God's place in all of it.

I believe in a God who has plans for our lives for our good. I believe in a God who wants to speak to us if we are willing to listen. I believe that even when God is involved in our lives, when we believe in him with all of our hearts and consult with him over all of our decisions, that there is no guarantee of a happy ending.

Life is a struggle, with or without God. But I would rather struggle with God than without him.

And struggling I was about my decision to remarry. In some ways it was too late. I had already fallen in love with this man and become attached to his children and had become part of their lives. However I knew it would not be easy, ever. I could postpone.... until the children were older. I thought about that a lot.

I knew that if I married Cliff I would have to live in his house, the house he built over twenty years ago and lived in with his first wife. He did not want to disrupt his children's lives any more than necessary and I understood that. My own girls were 20 and 22 and were already living their own lives. I was unsure of my ability to take on this great challenge. I was unsure of my ability to cope with living in a household where things were so different from what I was used to. In many ways, I would be entering into a whole new culture.

I was afraid that I would get swallowed up and lose myself completely to such a commitment. I sought God's help and direction, the only way I knew to handle any uncertainties I was facing. One day he spoke to me in that silent voice that can only be heard by the heart and he said that he was calling me to this man and his family, to live in their house and in their town.

And so it was settled! I felt that I had God's marching orders as well as his blessing. If things were hard I could blame him! I was trusting God to give me what I needed, when I needed it, in order to live this new life he was calling me too.

And so I learned that the best place to be is in fellowship with God. He will never leave us or forsake us. We can trust him.

My own understanding from my reading was that 50% of first marriages end in divorce, and I had already been part of that statistic, and 80% of second marriages end in divorce and I did not want to be part of that statistic.

I also knew that being a stepmother was a difficult task, no thanks to the Cinderella curse!

I decided to cling to this verse: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways lean on him and he will direct your paths." (Proverbs 3:5,6)

Taking a Break

2009-03-26T18:53:00.002-04:00

I am taking a few days off of blogging but will return with a few more lessons from the world of stepmothering.

Florida...anyone? or...everyone?

2009-03-24T20:01:00.006-04:00

My girls and I and their dad had a lovely tradition for a few years of making a trip to Florida for March break where we would join my mom and my stepfather for the week. It was always a wonderful family time of fun and games, tea with my mother every day, relaxing by the beach...etc.

So, about six months after starting to see Cliff, he and I and all five of our children, were with my mom for Christmas dinner and she asked Cliff and his kids if they would like to join us for March break in Florida. (She did not consult me ahead of time about this, and I was not sure if I was yet ready for such a trip!) Of course they said "yes!"

Now, I am not the best traveller anyways, but with another family, one that is different from my own, one that I was still getting to know... well... I was a little concerned as to how well I would cope.

Some background information is necessary here. There were huge differences in the two families. I had raised two quiet daughters, who were now fairly mature women. Cliff had two sons, now 17 and 15 and a daughter 13. Where mine were quiet, his were not. Where mine were pensive and peaceful, his were inquisitive and asking questions all the time. Where mine were, well, mine, his were, well, his! The differences were endless and I was still adjusting to those differences, as were all five children I am sure. Cliff's kids were noisy, inquisitive, talkative.... I was not sure I was up for this.

By this time my daughters were in university and they did not get the March break so I assumed they would not be going, so I would only have to worry about ME coping with the new family and not them. However, the closer we got to March, the more my girls were remembering how much fun we always had down there with grandma, and how wonderful it was to get away to warmer weather for a week. First my youngest said "could I go too? I am pretty much caught up with my work." How could I say no? It was HER grandmother after all! How could I say "I think I will have enough to handle with Cliff and his family!" So then when my oldest heard that my youngest was going she felt that she would be definitely missing out if she didn't go too, and so it was settled, we were ALL going! I almost wished I could have sent them all on without me!

We had to find special containers that slid under the bench seats in the van just to fit everyone's stuff in. The trip went amazingly well. We stopped every hour or so and rotated the kids so no one would be stuck in the back for too long.

These kids were so different from each other. If you were to put them all in the same situation, they would not even end up being friends. They only had one thing in common...Cliff and I!

But, until that trip I had not realized they had even something bigger in common. They were all good kids, nice kids, who enjoyed family times, car trips, stupid games, and who loved their parents and showed respect to them. None of them were rebellious and difficult, and none of them had allowed divorce to change their delightful personalities into something negative and bitter.

Would I ever do it again? No! But if we had not made that trip I would not have witnessed how decent and respectful these kids were of a situation they would not have chosen (divorce) of the potential of step siblings that they would not have chosen, and of sharing their parent with a whole new family. None of these wonderful kids have ever shown each other, or Cliff or I any outward sign of resentment, disapproval or disrespect.

I have learned that a step family is not like a biological family, but I have also learned that some steps can actually get along better than the real thing! I have learned that children are more resilient than I thought. I have been shown by these five kids, how much kids love their parents, whether their parents deserve it or not.

Next time I will share about the big decision -to marry or not to marry!

Romance and Five Kids....

2009-03-24T08:07:00.002-04:00

Now that title is an oxymoron! So here I am, a woman of two grown-up daughters away at university, a man with children ages 12, 14, and 16 who were with him much of the time, all the time on the weekends. And so where does one begin?

On the phone! and this is not a bad place to start. In years gone by, lots of potential couples started with letters. Now the letter has been replaced by email. But either way, spending lots of time just talking, and not being physically together in the same room, leaves lots of time to get to know each other. Since I was 47 and Cliff was 49, there were many stories to share!

When you have been a 'couple' most of your adult life, it is the most natural thing to be a 'couple' again. When you have been a parent for so long, it is quite natural to be a parent again, sort of. But as any couple with children will agree, children and romance are not a good mix.

And so, we planned outings which would start the minute his children left for their mother's. We would plan these outings all week on the phone so we knew exactly where we were going and why. Most of these outings were day trips, sometimes just driving around looking at things, and lots of eating out! We had to make it a point though, just like any couple with children, to plan these outings. It would have been, and sometimes was, too easy to get swallowed up with the children, and their needs and activities. But we forged ahead and made special memories of the few hours we had alone.

In those cherished outings we began to create some of our own memories, some of our own history together. It took no time at all for both of us to decide that we were headed for marriage. But many times during that courtship, I doubted my ability to do that. Taking on another man's children was a pretty big thing to do.

We learned in divorcecare that divorced people have to be leary of romance too soon because the chemical high of a new romance can mask those feelings of grief over the divorce and make you think you are 'over it' which maybe you aren't. That was true for me but I continued along, mixing the grief and the joy. Cliff was a patient suitor (if you are under 40 you probably don't even know what a suitor is!)

And so we managed to squeeze a bit of time for ourselves into a busy family. What did I learn from this? Becoming a couple has to be 'intentional'. The natural attraction of male to female is not enough. You have to build on that, and when there are so many others involved, the pyramid is not straight and smooth but bumpy and lopsided. Becoming a couple is not just fun and frolic, it is a sacred thing. You are building a unit, a pair of people who will be a bit of history for the others whose lives are affected by that union. That unit needs to be strong and sure. Our five children had already been through one divorce and we were determined that they would never have to go through another one!

Tomorrow I will tell you about the first and the only trip we ALL went on together and believe me, it wasn't my idea!

Bear with me....

2009-03-23T14:55:00.002-04:00

I am trying out some new backgrounds...bear with me! It may be different every day!

Friendship leads to Romance

2009-03-23T08:50:00.002-04:00

I am sharing some stories about my experience in a step family and the lessons it has taught me. This part of my story is a continuation from yesterday....

My friend Angela and I decided we wanted to go to Toronto to see 'Ragtime' but we needed a third person to go with us, preferably a man. You see Angela is in a wheelchair and sometimes it takes more than one person, to manage the van and the wheelchair etc... so... we both remembered that Cliff had said he liked musicals, and so I called him. He said he would be delighted to go.

That phone call lasted over an hour and he said 'call anytime' and lonely divorced woman that I was, I did! Before you know it we were chatting frequently and discovering all sorts of things we had in common. A rich friendship was forming and laying the foundation for the romance that would blossom.

I did not set out to fall in love with this man, quite the opposite. I foolishly thought we could be 'just friends' even though I have not really believed that God designed men and women to be 'just friends'. But as I began to know him, his character, his faith, his integrity, his devotion to his children, etc. I was attracted to so many qualities and began to wonder how I would even pass up an opportunity like this. Even my oldest daughter said to me one time when I was pondering over it, 'Mom, not everyone gets a second chance at love'.

Cliff told me much later that God had already planted thoughts of me in his head long before we even officially met. It would seem that God was arranging the whole thing!

A second marriage needs a deep root in order to survive. The statistics say that over 50% of first marriages end in divorce, and over 80% of second marriages. Wow....

So, what did I learn here? That God has plans for us that we would never have made for ourselves, that our ideal is far below God's best for us, that we can not even begin to know what is best for us, compared to what God knows is best for us.

Budding a romance with five kids, three dogs, two cats and two houses is quite a challenge, and believe me, not very romantic, but I would love to share some of the funnier stories with you. I will spare you the not so funny, totally frustrating and "why did I ever do this?" stories.

Does a Cover really tell Anything about a Book?

2009-03-21T09:39:00.004-04:00

No more photos for awhile! I thought I would share some interesting stories about my adventures as part of a stepfamily and lessons I have learned from this experience! First let me give you a bit of background.

I believe I shared with you when I was telling stories about divorce that I went to a wonderful support group with http://www.divorcecare.com/ and I said you should recommend this to anyone who is going through this painful experience. So, my husband Cliff was attending one of these at his church and I was attending one at another church. However, we knew about each other even before that.

You see, Cliff is the brother of my friend Melda's husband. When my first husband left me, Melda shared with me that her brother-in-law Cliff was going through the same thing. I knew about him all along and frequently asked Melda how he was doing. So, when our two divorcecare groups got together for the occasional social I was curious to meet this brother-in-law, and I did. My heart was dead and I did not have any reaction to our first meeting or subsequent meetings and I was not entertaining thoughts of finding a man at that point.

In time however, I felt the Lord speaking to my heart and I began to believe that I would marry again. Typical however of anyone thinking about marriage, I thought about ideal situations (which of course do not exist!) Cliff's was not an ideal situation. For starters he was divorced like me and therefore had the complications to go with it. Secondly and most importantly he had children, three of them! I had raised two of my own, girls who were young women and quite independent. When I met Cliff his were 12, 14, and 16 and far from being independent.

And so, I concluded that Cliff might make a nice friend, but that would be all. I enjoyed and looked forward to a lot of these singles gatherings. It gave me something to do and somewhere to go and with people who understood what I was experiencing. Cliff was a pleasant part of those gatherings. Some of us had 'murder mystery' parties and we included Cliff in one. He and I played an old married couple...little did I know that would be prophetic!

The friend that hosted these 'murder mystery' parties was pivotal in getting Cliff and I together and I will share how that happened the next time. My first lesson in all this is two fold: first you can't judge a book by its cover, and second, God knows what is best for us and it may not be what we have imagined.

Grandchildren and Step Families

2009-03-18T08:11:00.009-04:00

God chose to bless me with a second chance at marriage after my divorce and here I am with my second husband and my first grandchild, 'our' first grandchild. I do not forget that this is not who I imagined I was going to be sitting with when I held my grandchildren in my arms, but here I am! And being 'grandma and grandpa' with this man has brought much joy. He is a wonderful grandfather, loving and enthusiastic and has such a way with children.

You see, the grandchildren didn't know any of us before divorce. The way they will know us all is how we are now and so this will be normal for them. My children will never be this man's children, and his children will never be mine, but I can tell you this.... these grandchildren are "OURS"!

Even my stepchildren have been taken in by the love, the awe, the joy, the fun, and the 'family' that these little ones have made us into. My stepchildren are bonified aunts and uncles and proud of it! The pictures show each one of them taking their turn holding our first grandchild. Children have a way of knitting people together, they can be the tie that binds if you let them.

I would like to spend the next few blogs telling some step family stories. Step families get a bad wrap due to Cinderella but there can be another side to some of our stories and so I would like to share some of the good parts of mine. If you know someone who is in a step family and who is struggling, send them over... maybe our story can help their story!

Watching My Babies Have Babies!

2009-03-18T08:03:00.003-04:00

Watching my daughters become mothers has been another joy the grandchildren have brought into my life. It is so thrilling to just sit back and watch them love their own wee ones as I have loved them. It kind of makes me feel that maybe I did something right, although I realize that in truth, God does it all.

It is fun knowing that they now know how much I love them!

And then there is the added joy of just visiting the children, and letting my daughters handle all of the unpleasant stuff. I remember one of the times we were saying goodbye after a visit with my daughter and our first grandchild, as we were driving away my husband said to me "this is as much fun as all the rest of it....driving away and being free of the responsibilities!"

Just one child can change the lives of so many...just one little child... kind of like Jesus, just one child who changed the lives of the entire world, even long after he was gone....

Tomorrow will be my last post about grandchildren and I will be sharing how the grandchildren have made my stepchildren into enthusiastic aunts and uncles.

Grandchildren are Industrious!

2009-03-17T07:14:00.002-04:00

I have just a few more grandchildren lessons to go! Sometimes it is easy to think that children are lazy because they lead carefree lives. If you spend a day with a toddler you will never think that again! Children are industrious! They love to be busy and when they find something that interests them they can be very focused. And if there is something they want to master, they do it over and over and over again until they get it right. They also take on only one task at a time. They seem wise enough to realize that multitasking will take the fun out of life. My grandchildren are teaching me and reminding me that it is important to find something that interests you if you ever hope to work hard at it, and to stick with it, don't give up, until you get it right! There is amazing satisfaction in doing something you enjoy and doing it well. If we are feeling tired and overwhelmed it may be because we are doing something we don't enjoy, or we are trying to do too much. My grandchildren only stick with the things they enjoy. They seem to be naturally discriminating...amazing wisdom, built in I guess by an amazing God!

Grandchildren and Mischief!

2009-03-13T07:52:00.002-04:00

Just look at those faces....full of mischief!

Mischief, such a wonderful world of fun, kind of sneaky, sort of a surprise or a joke on someone, unexpected and hopefully harmless.... the grandchildren seem to have a sense of this at a very young age. These two little girls sitting together are ages 3 and 2.

One day when I was babysitting the older one at her house, I heard this strange beeping noise. I tilted my head and looked around. She just looked at me. It stopped. Then it came again! I looked around some more and then even got up and walked around the house to see if I could locate the source of the sound. "What is that noise?!" She just looked at me with a small grin starting to form on her face as she watched me puzzle over it and look around. She was enjoying my quandry and she wasn't going to spoil the fun and tell me what was going on. The noise came again.... and again I looked around. By this time I am getting a little impatient and I looked at her and begged "what is that noise?" A slow deep laugh began to emerge from her throat, her grin got wider and soon she was laughing out loud and holding her stomach and looking at me as if to say "you really don't know do you? and I do know!" What timing she had, what a sense of mischief! Did anyone teach her that? No... Well, I won't hold you in suspense anymore. They have one of those modern fridges that beeps if you didn't shut the door tightly and that is what had happened. When I finally figured it out and looked down at that little wee girl, we both laughed and what a fun moment that was. She was in control of that joke, very powerful indeed.

The two year old had another little trick that she liked to perform for quite awhile. Now this was not original. Someone had done it to her and she enjoyed it so much that she had to do it to all of us for several days while she enjoyed the reactions we would give her. Quite simple really, she would pull her sleeve down, pull her hand up into the sleeve so you couldn't see her hand and say "where'd it go?" She would do all this right in front of you, not realizing that you already knew where that hand went. But oh the look of delight on her face as she enacted this little routine without taking her eyes off of your face... she wanted to see your reaction! She had a sense of mischief and she was in control of the outcome and having a wonderful time!

Now the third little guy can't act out such things yet, but can't you just see by the look on his face....he is ready for some good mischief!

When was the last time you did something mischievous? I can't even remember when I did exept when I was with the grandchildren, they bring it out in me. I think I need to try creating a little harmless mischief in my adult world. I do take life much too seriously... the grandchildren are teaching me that.

Grandchildren Know How to Relax!

2009-03-12T09:49:00.000-04:00

As I share the things my granchildren are teaching to me, I just had to share this photo! Who of us has not looked at a sleeping child and envied their lack of care? This child did not take the worries of the world to that sleep state with her. She does not have any worries! I know, I know, that is because her parents are taking care of all of the details. But I also know that we can all have a parent like this, even though we are grown. We have a heavenly father who is able and willing to 'take care of the details' if we would just cast all our cares upon him, and trust him.... I have a hard time relaxing.

Having bipolar disorder, I tend to get excited quite easily and have to calm down or I will get sick. Sometimes I don't want to calm down because feeling excited can be...well...exciting! But if I get too excited, I have only one direction to go after an episode like that, and the direction is down! all the way down! to a depressive episode. And so I have to force myself to relax, which is not in my nature.

But the grandchildren are inspiring me and showing me that it is possible! If I were to post a photo of me relaxing it would not look this cute so I will spare you that. What relaxes you? Have you met your heavenly father yet, the one who wants to share all of your joys and sorrows, the one you can leave all of your cares with, and lean into his heavenly arms and .... relax!

Grandchildren and Celebration!

2009-03-11T11:57:00.002-04:00

As I review some of the things my grandchildren are reminding me of and teaching me, awe, joy, trust, laughter, all such good things, I am reminded that the Lord has created us for those very things. It takes a child to remind us and to lead us once again to those things that are good in themselves, and good for us!
Today's reminder is celebrate - celebrate... anything! It doesn't take a 'real' party or a 'real' ice cream cone for a small child to pretend and celebrate! They don't need a reason to raise their hands and shout 'hooray!'. Just being alive is a celebration enough for them! The cookies are done 'hooray!!', Daddy is home.... 'hooray!'.... time for bed... well we won't push it that far.
What could you celebrate today?

Grandchildren and Trust...

2009-03-10T07:35:00.003-04:00

Trust...just look at that image! There is no thought in the world that this man will hurt her in any way. She is just leaning into his arm. She is a good example for us who need to trust God more, to lean into his everlasting arms.... She has no evidence that this man is safe, she just trusts! God made her that way. He made all children that way.... What a beautiful image, what a beautiful thought!

Grandchildren and Laughter!

2009-03-09T08:46:00.002-04:00

As I continue to share some things that my grandchildren are teaching me, I should probably say that not only are they teaching me, they are bringing back to me things which I have taken for granted. So far I have mentioned awe, and joy and today laughter!
As you can see from the photo I am laughing uncontrollably. Is there anything like a good belly laugh? And around these kids I am doing it all the time. They are teaching me again to laugh.
And you don't need a reason when you are a small child. You can laugh at anything, or at nothing at all. Just laughing for the sake of laughing is okay with them. We even have laughing contests. I will do one, then they will, etc. One of my grandchildren likes a silent laugh. She will grin infectiously, grab her her belly and bend over as if she just can't stand it anymore!
Another grandchild has what I call a dirty laugh. It starts low as she looks at the person she has played a trick on and then it works out to a full laugh.
Then there is the tickle laugh. My youngest, 6 month old grandbaby loves to be tickled and he loves to laugh. When you first tickle him he laughs right away with heartfelt, physical reaction. After a few times, he starts to laugh even before your fingers touch his body which I call the anticipation laugh.
Laughter is infectious and so in no time, a child can get everyone in the room laughing. One time I was taking care of my newest grandbaby while his mom was at the dentist. He and I were in the waiting room. He was getting restless and so I walked around a bit with him and jiggled him and tickled him a bit. He was doing his tickle laugh. Each person in that waiting room was touched by that laugh. Before you know it the entire waiting room was laughing!
God created us for both laughter and tears. I am thankful for the laughter that these little ones bring into my life!

Joy!

2009-03-06T15:31:00.004-05:00

I find that the kind of joy that grandchildren bring is different from any joy I have ever known... it is pure joy! Just being with them, even thinking about them brings joy to my heart. And then the things that bring them joy... well, just about everything! A silly face, a fun noise, a tickle, a hug, a delicious taste, a furry kitten, waving at the leaves falling, waving at the window to Daddy coming home, pulling Grandma's hair... so many things we as adults take for granted, they find joy in.

And so my grandchildren have brought me a new sense of joy. One can only experience joy when they put aside the concerns of daily life as well as the more serious concerns of the sad and difficult times in our lives. But little children (hopefully) know nothing of that when their needs are being met, and so they are free to take so much joy from just about anything, and there I am with them, experiencing that joy as never before!

Awe!

2009-03-06T12:05:00.003-05:00

Awe...

For the next while I am sharing stories about my grandchildren and the things they are teaching me. To begin with however, I felt it necessary to give credit where credit is due.... God!

The bible says in Psalm 139, speaking to God:

"For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well."

Looking into the face of my first grandchild and subsequent grandchildren has been like looking into the face of God. The awesomeness of that experience reminded me once again how powerful and how perfect God is. Each baby is so precious, so perfect, so new... so awesome.

As much as I loved those babies from that very first moment, and their parents loved them even more, I knew that God loved that baby more than all of us put together.

No matter what a person believes, no one can look at new life and not feel absolute awe...

Why God Allows Suffering

2009-02-28T07:52:00.003-05:00

I have been sharing some stories for the last while of how God helped me through the dark experience of divorce. You may ask "well if God is so wonderful, and he can do all of these things, then why didn’t he just prevent the divorce from taking place?"

You won’t be the first to want an answer to this kind of question. Several people have attempted to write entire books on the subject, such as “When Bad Things Happen to Good People” which hit the best seller list when it was released. Robert Schuller has coined a few interesting phrases in his books “Turn Your Scars into Stars” and “Turn Your Hurts into Halos”.

I heard a wonderfully simple explanation of this question on a movie last night. The movie was called “Love Comes Softly” and it is based on a Janette Oke book. A man who is also a father explains it like this: “when I am walking side by side with my child, harm can come to that child even though I am right there. I may not have caused the harm, but it may come. But I am RIGHT THERE to help in the suffering and to offer comfort. And that is the promise of God, not that he will remove us from our suffering, but that he will be there to comfort us through that suffering.”

That would be my testimony then, and now. God has always been there to offer comfort and offer guidance and wisdom. He doesn’t change even though my circumstances change.

We know that suffering can produce character, strong character if we let it. If we are facing a problem, we will not likely turn to someone who has known few problems but to one who understands suffering, is a fellow sufferer. Of course, in the progression of life we will all get our turns at suffering.

There is a God and he loves us but he still allows us to suffer. That is the God I love and I turn to for all of my comfort and strength and wisdom and help. He has never let me down when I have reached out to him .

I will be away from blogging for 3 or 4 days. When I return I would love to share some stories of things my grandchildren are teaching me.

"Swinging in the Rain"

2009-02-27T07:30:00.000-05:00

I have been sharing some stories about how God helped me through the pain of divorce. I have chosen just a few to show how he didn’t forget me. Of course the one person I wanted the most not to forget me was my husband, but it wasn’t to be.

I already knew the Lord before my divorce. But after.... I knew him better. He was an even bigger God than I had ever realized. He was everywhere, beside, behind, ahead, underneath, around and in me! He went everywhere with me.

As anyone knows when you go through difficult times, there are good moments and bad moments. It is strange to think that there are good times during sad times, but anyone who has lost a loved one has seen it. A family grieving at a wake, will share a joke. Laughter and tears are close to each other. Joy is mixed with sorrow. Divorce is no different. There can be happy moments mixed in with the grief.

One of the joys the Lord gave me back during this time were two things I loved doing as a child. Swimming was one. Since I now lived ‘in town’ I was close to indoor swimming facilities and I swam almost every day! Now that was therapeutic. Plus it gave me somewhere to go and something to do.

The second thing he gave to me that I loved doing as a child was swinging! I always loved swinging, still do. I cannot walk by a swing in a park without using it for a few moments. Well, there was a wonderful set of swings in the park where my dog Chelsey and I now walked every day, and we would stop there and I would swing, and swing and swing.... sometimes I would sing at the same time. The swings faced a lovely little lake which is right in the middle of our town. As miserable and heartbroken as I was, these were little pockets of joy that showed me that I was not dead yet, that showed me that I was still able to experience joys and have some fun and I could do it alone!

Rain or shine I would take those walks, and often even end up “swinging in the rain”!

There were so many other times that God revealed himself to me, and held me, and led me and never let me go. Instead of my faith becoming weaker during this time, it became stronger. You may ask, well if God is so wonderful, why did he let all of this happen in the first place? I will chat about that tomorrow....

"Dear Wendalyn"

2009-02-26T08:08:00.002-05:00

There was yet another friend that God brought along to hold me up during this time. Her name was Susan. Susan went to my church and we didn't know each other well at all, but I liked her the moment I met her. One sad day I went to the mail and there was a note from her.

"Dear Wendalyn,

I have only just heard of the painful time you are going through. I am not sure of your situation, and I do not know what sorts of friends you may have for a time like this, but in case you need a friend, I would like to be that friend. I would like to walk with you through this dark time...."

Can you imagine, someone you hardly even know offering to sit and hold your hand while you tell your sad story over and over and over again? Only God could have come up with such an idea!

She too became part of my 'village'. I didn't see any of these people every day. I think my grief would have exhausted anyone if they had to be part of it all the time! (ask my sister!) But it was like God made out a timetable and he had one of these precious people call, or pop by for a visit, just when a visit was most needed.

Speaking of my sister, who lived eight hours away, she and I spoke on the phone every single morning for at least a year, I would call her even before I got out of bed. We were always close and I could trust her and just be myself. I don't know how she toughed it out, listening to all of my sadness, but God gave her the grace to do it and I can't thank him or her enough! She would listen and then pray for me over the phone, and then I would attempt to start my day.

Maybe you know of someone who is going through a painful divorce. Maybe like Susan, you don't know them very well, but maybe the Lord has put them on your heart. Write them a note, offer your love. Just the note alone will break down that awful isolation that looms in the life of the divorced person. You don't even have to offer help, just a note saying 'I am thinking of you' can be a healing balm to a hurting heart.

Or maybe you are the person going through the dark time. Maybe you need God to make a village for you, ask him, he will!

"You were on my mind..."

2009-02-25T07:42:00.001-05:00

One Sunday afternoon, soon after my husband left, before anyone in my church knew about it (except my pastor), I got a phone call from Heather. Heather was of those people who I had instantly liked when I met her, one of those people who I thought “I wouldn’t mind being her friend”. We were at different stages of our lives and our paths didn’t cross so we didn’t really know each other that well but I liked her!

“Hi there, this is Heather. I have had you on my mind a lot lately and I looked over at you in church this morning and I thought ‘something isn’t right with her’ and so I am just calling to say that I am praying for you. I do not wish to pray, but I am praying for you.”

At that point she was quite prepared to hang up, but I probably poured out my sad story to her, grateful for a sympathetic ear, I can’t remember. We became good friends and she continued to offer her support in any way she could. I still count her among my most significant friends and favourite people.

Have you ever found yourself just thinking about someone and doing nothing about it? Why not pray for them right away. Or why not, like Heather, just pick up the phone and call and say “I am thinking about you”.

Each time one person reached out to me, it made me feel as though God had not forgotten me. In his wisdom, God found me a house to move to which was in walking distance from my church, and in the same neighbourhood as Heather and Melda! God was so good to me. Again you may wonder “well if God is so good, why did he let it all happen in the first place?” That is a good question and I do not have an answer, but stick with me, for I do have an idea or two.
God continued to grow the ‘village’ of people who were going to see me through this dark time. Next time I will tell you about Susan....

"It Takes a Village..."

2009-02-24T07:01:00.000-05:00

You have heard the saying that ‘it takes a village to raise a child’? Well I would say that it takes two or more friends to support a divorcing woman. God blessed me with more than that. I know I shared how people tend to ignore you just when you are already feeling abandoned. Well, that can only be said of some people in my case. There were those who held me up in ways I will never forget. I told you about my singing friend Angela. Now I will tell you about another singing friend – Melda!

Melda and I had known each other for a long time and were used to supporting each other when needed. She would ask me regularly how she could be of help. Just knowing she cared helped, but she is a practical woman which I appreciate. In those first numbing weeks I needed help to just get through each day. As a self-employed artist I still needed to be productive and as Christmas was coming along, I needed to get ready for a craft show. I could hardly concentrate. There were so many ghosts in my house, and the view from my studio looked onto my husband’s workshop and the farm we had dreamed of owning for so many years.

So one day I was sharing this with her and she said “why don’t I just come by and babysit you? I will bring my coffee and a paper and be no trouble at all. Maybe just having someone in the house will help you get to work. And that is what she did, on more than one occasion.What a gift!
And then one day she arrived not only with her coffee and her paper but also with groceries and she cooked all day filling my freezer with some decent meals for me and my girls. Melda has a wonderful singing voice and she sang while she worked. It was like having an angel in my home for the day!

If you know someone who is going through a difficult time maybe this is a good idea for a way that you can help them?

And I managed to work ALL day long and got quite a bit done! This is how God cared for me...one day at a time. And isn’t that how we are supposed to live anyways? One day at a time?
Next time I will tell you about a curious phone call from a friend.

HELP!

2009-02-23T08:15:00.000-05:00

Another wonderful form of help which the Lord provided for me was a support group called Divorcecare. To learn more about this fantastic program you can go to http://www.divorcecare.com/ and find a group near you!

This is a support group, running for about 12 weeks, and covers many important topics such as grief, forgiveness, finances, reconciliation, anger, dating, etc.... I can’t say enough good things about it. For twelve weeks in a row, I had somewhere to go every Friday night, that in itself was helpful. First they showed a helpful teaching video, then we had discussion groups. As sad as divorce is, we shared a lot of laughter too, and there is nothing so healing and supportive as being with people who are going through the same thing and understand how it feels.

I formed some wonderful friendships which continued even after the twelve weeks were up. There was one fellow in particular who used to give pot luck dinners where we would get together and eat and play games and laugh.

Divorce is one of life’s experiences where you need all the help you can get and this group is just the right fit. If you, or someone you know is going through the divorce experience, go to the website and find a group nearby, you won’t regret it!

Singing Divorcogram?

2009-02-20T08:13:00.000-05:00

Like most recently abandoned wives, I soon fell into depression. I didn’t want to go anywhere or see anyone, even close friends or family members (except for my girls). But I had a special friend way back then and still have her today, named Angela.

Now Angela is special for lots of reasons. She was an old friend and had known me for a long time and so I did not have to fill her in on background information as I might have to with a new friend. She had been through divorce herself only two years ahead of me and so she understood the experience. She loved me. She is handicapped, spends her days in a wheelchair and is quite restricted on what she can do and where she can go. So she is not the kind of friend who can come over and clean your house, or cook you supper, or say “come on, I am taking you out today!”

But, being the good friend that she was, she grieved over what she might do to ease some of my pain. She is creative by nature and the idea she came up with was unique to her quirky creativity. She would call me everyday as soon as she woke up, and leave a singing message on my answering machine. When I would see her number on my display, I wouldn’t pick it up (I wasn’t picking up a lot in those days anyways) and I would let the machine take it, then I would listen to it afterwards. Everyday a new song. Some days it was a love song, other days it was a silly little ditty, but after she finished each song she would say “I love you!” and hang up. If nothing else positive happened in a day I had that song and those words of love to cling to. Some of them were so entertaining that I would keep them on the machine for awhile and listening to them again and again, just to hear someone say they loved me, or just to hear her the song she chose that day.

And do you know what? I wasn’t the only one who got blessed by this daily ritual. My girls got a kick out of it as well. Even visitors to our house enjoyed it. The phone might ring at Angela’s usual time and none of us would pick it up and the visitor would say “isn’t anyone going to pick it up?” and we would explain. I am sure there were some who thought that it was amazing that a friend would care so much and be so faithful!

There was someone else who got blessed by this daily routine and that was Angela! She suffers in her own way by the restrictions of her handicap and so she often finds it hard to face a day, but by doing this song for me every morning, it gave a positive kick start to her day and she was blessed for being a blessing. That is what it is like with giving, the giver gets as much if not more blessing that the receiver!

This was another one of the many ways that the Lord met me in my “valley of death”. Yes, there were many people who could not face me and stayed away, but there were just enough that stuck with me and I will never forget them and never forget how the Lord used them.
Next time I will tell you about another singing friend!

There Should be Funerals for Divorce...

2009-02-19T11:20:00.001-05:00

During the first painful days, weeks, months and years following my separation and eventual divorce, I could not attend funerals. I could not stand seeing people who had experienced death and loss, being surrounded by others giving their sympathy. It just fuelled my anger!
You see, a divorce is like a death, the end of something. The way that it is worse than death is that it is never over....
When my husband first left, and for a long time afterwards, people could not say anything to me at all. Some avoided me, and others would just make small talk and avoid the subject of my new status. Aside from family members and the closest of friends all who cried with me and sorrowed with me, I can only remember two individuals who did what one might do at a funeral visitation, who said “I am so sorry for what you are going through.”Without knowing the details those two people were able to be sorry. I am assuming that others might be sorry if they knew the details, if they could justify that I really deserved their sympathy.
I remember driving my my church one day knowing that a funeral was taking place inside. The parking lot was full! I knew that inside people were saying nice things about the departed. The grieving widow was being treated with dignity and respect as she said goodbye to her husband and said goodbye to her marriage.
A divorced widow doesn’t get that opportunity. Even if I had wanted to have a funeral, few would come, and no one would agree with the nice things that would be said about my departed husband. Some would suspect that maybe it was my own fault that he left, that I drove him away. Others might assume that he left because he was a creep and an idiot, instead of a nice guy who made a big mistake.
If I had that opportunity I would have been able say without flinching that my husband was a good man, a nice guy, good father to his daughters and a hard worker. He was a nice guy who made a big mistake. Are any of us ALL good, or ALL bad? No, we are ALL both. It was hard to know that my husband, the man I chose, the man I loved, the father of my children, was probably being the subject of some gossip such as “and he seemed like such a nice guy, a good guy... and so devoted to those girls, how could he do such a thing?”.
The comments I am sharing today are not one of my cute stories, but I needed to include this because I would like to put some ideas out there about what it is like for that abandoned wife, and how people might better respond. And for anyone who might be reading this and knows someone who is experiencing a separation, remember, that no matter what led to that separation, it is still painful, it is still a death and it would be comforting for you to say to that person, “I am so sorry for what you are going through”. Being sorry doesn’t mean you are condoning what has taken place. Do what you might do if there has been a death. Write a note, take a casserole, visit....
If you are the one who has gone through this painful experience, understand that it is just hard for people to know how to act. It is not personal. It is not about you, it is about them, they just don’t know what to do. There is no protocol to how to treat someone who is divorced.
There was one who did not turn his back on me and that is God. The bible says the God “will never leave you or forsake you” and I found that to be true. He was closer to me than ever before. And he did some amazing things for me, just for me, such as those deer, cat and dog stories that I have shared. And there even more that he did for me that I will share. Stayed close!

Divorce Dog

2009-02-18T11:44:00.000-05:00

I have just one more animal story to share. I hope you like it.
As the last item in the moving truck was packed, my girls and I tearfully said good-bye to our dog, Sandy, and drove away. Betrayed, abandoned and alone, I attempted to build a new life for my two teenage daughters and me in the city where we all had friends and activities and jobs.
When a marriage ends so suddenly, the abandoned wife is not the only one confused. Most of the friends are confused as well and instead of gathering around to express their condolences as they would when there has been a death, they stay away, adding further rejection and isolation. I had never felt more alone in my life.
Even though my girls were still with me, we no longer were the family of four we had been for so long. I could hardly face sitting at the kitchen table at mealtime, just the three of us. We tried to keep busy and I urged them to continue with their lives and not to worry about their mom or feel that they had to stay home all the time to keep me company.
Our new house was as comfortable as it was lovely. We lacked nothing and we enjoyed being closer to our activities. We missed some things about our farm, but mostly we especially our dog Sandy. The girls had wanted to bring her with us but understood that putting a farm dog in a small fenced in yard would not be fair to a big dog that was used to running free.
One day they came to me with big smiles on their faces indicating that they had an idea up their sisterly sleeve. Just seeing them smile brought some hope to my heart. One of them was holding a newspaper. They suggested we get another dog. When a family goes through divorce, the parents want to give anything to the children to lessen the pain and besides, I did not have the strength to argue but I did have the presence of mind to offer a few realistic limitations. As I thought about it I made a list of the things that would make getting a new dog reasonable. The dog had to be free, mature, female, small, short hair, fixed, walks on a leash, able to be left alone and did not dig in the garden. There were nine things on that list. Certainly they could not find a dog that would qualify.
After I presented my list, we prayed together, something we had a habit of doing when we were making any decisions for the family. We gave God my list. That was the first time in awhile that we felt a bit like a family again, and I realized, that even though one important member was no longer with us, the three of us could still be a family.
As soon as we said “amen”, my oldest daughter, who appeared to be holding her breath the entire time, waved a newspaper triumphantly in the air and exhaled “DOG, FREE TO GOOD HOME”.
“This is it Mom, this is the dog for us! Let’s call them right away!”
I was too weak to resist. The call was made and they said we could come right over if we wanted to. At this point I was still too shocked to handle much of anything and so one of the girls drove us and away we went to meet the newest member of our family.
The barking began even before we reached the house and I realized that I did not put “doesn’t bark at visitors” on my list! The door opened and we were enthusiastically greeted by a short, fat, homely little dog that looked like she had been waiting just for us! She rolled over inviting some belly scratching. Her name was Chelsea and she was part beagle. She was hard to resist right from the start. When I read my list to the dog’s owners they were able to check off all nine! I guess it was a deal, and it was so good to see the girls happy for a change. The newest member of our family hopped into our car as if she owned it and had been riding in it all of her life.
The girls promised they would take care of her and I wouldn’t have to lift a finger. Guess who ended up taking care of Chelsea? Mom of course. Guess who needed Chelsea even more than my girls? Mom!
I have been a walker most of my adult life. Before my husband left I walked about thirty minutes a day. After he left I had to walk anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half, just to work out my anger. Chelsea loved walking and in no time at all, people could not call her fat. I felt like God was leading me through that dark and lonely and confusing time and he was using Chelsea to help out. She rarely tugged at the leash, so I only had to hold onto it with a couple of fingers. I was so weak and broken I could only hold onto my faith with a couple of fingers.
She learned all the turns on our walk, so even if I lost my mind I would not lose my way. She was so well trained, that when we would arrive home on a wet day, she would wait patiently at the door while I cleaned her off. She would delicately lift one foot at a time like Cinderella trying on the glass slipper.
Chelsea made us feel like a family again. She greeted us with such enthusiasm every time we came through the door. She was always with us during mealtimes. Whenever we had our family meetings, which had now moved from our lonely kitchen table to my big cozy bed, there would be Chelsea, rounding us off to a family of four once again.
I always felt that Chelsea was part angel, chosen especially for my girls and me. She filled such a space in our lives and in our hearts. At a time when I felt like the whole world had walked out on me, Chelsea walked in. She asked no questions. At a time in my life when I needed someone to just be there for me, making no judgements and asking no questions, there she was!
Even when she died, she was no trouble. One day she was sick and very weak. By the next day, I was holding her in my arms and she just looked up at me with those big beagle eyes, which seemed to say “my work here is done. You are going to be fine now.”

Death and Divorce

2009-02-17T12:20:00.001-05:00

As I look back on the days and months preceding my husband’s unexpected leave, I can see God’s hand preparing me for loss. Several situations occurred in my life that gave me experience with loss, both big and small.
My sister who was also my best friend and who had lived in Ontario all of her life, just an hour and a half from me, moved to Philadelphia. A neighbour and dear friend and I had a falling out over a dog situation. I had to leave a teaching job which I loved due to health concerns. Why even our cockatiel died!
My oldest daughter was preparing to leave for college, and even though she would be attending in our home town, she was planning to leave home and get an apartment with friends. This would be the first big break in or small, close, little family.
And then there was our barn cat Izzie. There were a lot of barn cats over the years, but Izzie was kind of special. She was small and pretty and soft and just a cutie. Not that she would ever let us close enough to pick her up and snuggle with her because she was the most skittish cat we ever had. We didn’t take barn cats to the vet, so she had no shots and was not fixed. Pregnant before she was even mature, no sooner had she given birth to a small litter, than they were gone! I saw them, went to get my daughters and when we came back they were gone. Apparently the culprit was a big old tom cat in the neighbourhood who was known for doing such things. The girls’ dramatically stated that when Izzie had her next litter they would bring her in the house so she would be protected.
Their dad and I did not bother saying that was not going to happen, that barn cats stay in the barn, and that really, in the grand scheme of things, one less litter would be just fine with us.
However, very soon Izzie was ready to deliver another litter. The girls begged us to let her into the house and we stood firm. Next they asked about the little room in the barn? We could put her in there and close the door and Izzie and her kittens would be safe from harm. So, that is what we did and she had a beautiful litter of four soft meowy kittens. Each day we would go out and observe another one of God’s wonders. One day when I went out the kittens were noisier than usual and Izzie was not there! I looked around and noticed that there was blood streaming down one wall and when I looked way up I saw something I had never noticed about that little room (we hadn’t lived there that long) and that was a tiny window, way up high, a broken window! Izzie must have decided she needed to get out for a bit and attempted to leave. From the amount of blood we all assumed that she had gone off and probably bled to death.
Again with the girls.... “Mom, we can’t let the kittens die, we have to bring them in the house, and we will take care of them, we promise. We will get up at night and everything if you will just take care of them during the day when we are gone.”
So, that is what we did and the girls did keep their end of the bargain. Bit by bit we all fell in love with those kittens.... soft and silky, each developing little unique traits. When they were only about three weeks old I noticed that they all had runny eyes. I took them to the vet, and he said that they had distemper and would probably die. However, on the slight chance that there was some hope, he gave us antibiotics for them.
By now we had fallen in love with those kittens, we had formed an attachment. Soon one died but we held out hope that they wouldn’t ALL die, but by the next week, another, and a week later another. The last one lasted two more weeks, and each day we became more hopeful that it would make it but it died too.
And then Izzie came home! Minus a leg! But she was healthy and clean and looked just fine. She wouldn’t let us get any closer than before but we revelled in her return.
The cycle of loss had not stopped. Our old (indoor) family cat Simon caught distemper from the kittens and died too. We had only one healthy cat left, and my oldest daughter was planning to take that one with her when she moved.
And it was at that point that my husband announced he was leaving. My youngest daughter in her grief cried out to me “dad is leaving, and Tammy is leaving, and she is taking our only cat with her and now I don’t even have a cat! Couldn’t I bring Izzie inside and she could be my cat?” How could I say no to anything that would bring comfort to one of my kids at a time like this when we were all in the throws of shock and sorrow.
So I said “if you can catch her, you can keep her”. Personally I was not thrilled with the idea of looking at this little three-legged cat hobble around my home for years to come, but I was glad to think that she might bring some comfort to my daughter.”
We did catch her. I watched on with little interest. At this point I could barely get up in the morning, barely breath, barely think, except about the one thing that I thought would never happen to me... a divorce.
It didn’t take more than an hour for Izzie to start letting us hold her. The very first night that she spent with us, I picked her up and took her to bed with me. That little three-legged barn cat, slept on my broken heart all night long. Her purring, her warmth and the softness of her fur under my hand ministered to me in a way that only God could have designed.
We still have Izzie. She is no trouble at all and she is still a friend to the hurting, curling up right next to anybody who needs a soft place to put their hand.

Oh Deer!

2009-02-16T09:46:00.002-05:00

As I continue to share some stories of how the Lord brought comfort to me during the devastating days following my husband’s sudden departure, I would like to share one memorable night.

I had already indulged in a few changes due to his absence. I figured there had to be something in this for me and so I adopted the attitude ‘hey, I can do what I want now, there is no one to consider except me and my girls.’

First of all the dog, which usually stayed outside all night, came into the house and slept on the floor in my room, her presence and the noise of her breathing bringing comfort to this lonely woman. Secondly, the outside light, which we did not usually leave on all through the night, was left on for added comfort and security. Thirdly, the apples, which had fallen on the trees just outside our back door, were left to rot on the ground instead of making my teenage daughters pick them up each day, something that their dad usually insisted on.

On a dark, lonely sleepless night in November, I was walking around my empty house, the house where I had known the love and security of a family together and a husband who I had believed to be faithful. I went from window to window. I was too numb to pray. And there they were under the apple tree! About twelve deer having a good old feed on the rotten apples.
Now, if the outside light hadn't been on, I wouldn’t have been able to see them, and yet they would

Now, if the outside light wasn’t on, I wouldn’t have been able to see them, and yet they would have been able to see me in the house and they would have run away. If the dog had been outside, they wouldn’t even be there. If the apples had not been left on the ground, they would not have been attracted to that spot.

Another plus of having that outside light on was that they were blinded by it if they looked up at me and I could linger and watch for a long time, which I did. In those moments I was reminded of all of God’s wonderful creations. I was in awe of the moment..... As I sat and watched and watched, something about that sight alone brought just a wee bit of healing to my old heart. My anxious thoughts calmed down and I was able to get some sleep. For those few moments I had a welcomed break from my grief.

I was reminded who God is, creator of heaven and earth and everything in it! I was reminded that God was bigger than my circumstances. Now you might ask, if God is so wonderful and so powerful, why doesn’t he just fix all of our problems and let us all have happy charmed lives? It is a good question. I am not going to tell you what I think ....yet... but I do have a few ideas on that topic.

Divorce? Me? Not Me!

2009-02-12T06:47:00.003-05:00

Divorce is one of those dreadful things, like cancer, those dreaded words that you hope will never have enter into your personal life. No one walks down the aisle with thoughts of 'well, let's just give it a try and see if this works out....' No one intentionally chooses divorce.

For the next while I am going to share some stories from my divorce experience. I will not be sharing personal details of the drama but rather encouraging stories about how God was there, every step of the way. The stories are not intended to gloss over divorce and how wrong it is, or how devestating it is to everyone involved. But the stories are intended to encourage anyone to believe that God, no matter what you are going through, doesn't change. Your circumstances may change, but God doesn't. You can count on him.

There is no pain to compare to the emotional pain of divorce. Like any of life's painful experiences, only those who have been through it know. But God was there with me, and for me, holding me in his arms. You might say, "then if God is so able to do that, then why didn't he just prevent the divorce?" Well, if I could answer that question, I would solve the BIG question wouldn't I?

Yesterday I mentioned a scripture from Romans 8:28 which says that "we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose." This was a promise to those who were already believers as I was.

But there is a promise for everyone, even those who are not believers yet and that is this "I will never leave you or forsake you." That was the first verse which gave me comfort when my husband left.

If you have a friend who is going through divorce, tell them to check in here and possibly the Lord will encourage them and strengthen them for the emotional battle of their lives. In the meantime, come and visit me tomorrow and I will tell you a story of how God used a dog, some rotten apples, a turn-off light to minister to this old broken heart....

Girl Guide Cookies?

2009-02-11T08:45:00.004-05:00

As I reminisce about working from home and the benefits there were to me and to my family, I am reminded of a story about Girl Guide cookies... let me explain.

My dad worked in downtown Toronto in a big building in a big office with lots of other people. As a young child I had no concept of what went on down there, although I was privileged now and then to 'go to the office' with him on a Saturday when he 'just had to get a few things done'. (Probably my mother begged him to take me). I do remember those days fondly as he let me sit at a desk, use the typewriter, etc. and I imagined myself to be an important secretary to an important boss. However, I never visited him during an actual work day and as a child had very little idea of what he did all day.

I do remember however, each year when it came time to sell our Girl Guide cookies that my dad would take a bunch down 'to the gang at the office' and sell them for us. Apparently (so I am told) I was asked one time what my father did for a living and I said that he sold Girl Guide cookies! They actually printed this little anecdote in the company newsletter under humour! So maybe I have been published after all....

Saying that I am reminded of another advantage of working from home. Your kids actually know what you do. They see you doing it. They see you interacting with other people. They get to know you in a way they wouldn't otherwise. In my case this was a great benefit since I raised daughters and I was a role model for them. And so they saw their role model doing all sorts of things and hopefully some positive observations were made?!

God can bring so many benefits out of so many things in our lives. I believe in many ways my daughters knew me better than a lot of kids know their parents. And when the Lord called me back to teaching school when my girls were 9 and 11, it wasn't a stretch for us to go to work together every day. They were so used to seeing a lot of me. And when I was their teacher for two years it wasn't a shock for them to watch me work, see how I handled people. etc. I was (apparently) not an embarrassment to them. They already knew me, no surprises!

It makes me think of the scripture "all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose." The operative word there is ALL. What sorts of things in your life, can you look back on and see how God used it later, for good? God wastes nothing, he sees our endless strengths and weaknesses and he sees our endless need of Him.

Tomorrow I would like to begin sharing some stories from my divorce experience, and how God brought good out of it.

Struggling with the Juggling?

2009-02-09T08:01:00.003-05:00

Being self-employed may be the most selfish thing you ever do! Or should I say that working from home is the most selfish thing you ever do! And it may also be the best thing you ever do for yourself, especially if you are a woman. Let me explain.

Since I have been reflecting for awhile about my painting career, all the ups and downs and the joys it brought me, I have been reminded of God's blessings and how he created that life just for me, for awhile. He also knew that self-employment (in my case working from home) would work best for me, even before I did. Of course he created me, so he should know.

I have strong nesting instincts and home is where I am happiest. I enjoy my solitude and if I don't get enough of it, I get edgy. And I need to work with my hands. God allowed me all of those things by working from home.

But whether you are like me or not, there are such advantages to working from home and each one of these has a flipside to it. You are available to your whole family at any time (which eliminates the guilt women feel when working 'outside the home'). You are your own boss, so you can take time off to pick up a sick child at school, take a walk or get some groceries when you are out doing errands for the business. While 'at work' you can get supper started, or keep some loads of laundry going (instead of coffee breaks). But speaking of coffee breaks, you can sit on your own front porch and enjoy your own view without listening to 'the ladies at work' complain about their husbands!

Naturally there are disadvantages. Your family can get to you anytime (not always a good thing). You are your own boss (no one else to share the decisions). Well, you get the idea. You are the caretaker, security person, secretary, etc.... you do it all.....

So, why do I say that this is a selfish choice? Well for me it was selfish because it worked out best for me. Sure, one of the reasons I did it was so that I could be close to my family and be available to them and that doesn't seem selfish. But it was, because I wouldn't feel good trying to fit them into my job instead of trying to fit my job into them. Some people might say that young working mothers these days are more selfish and less giving than their 'stay at home' predecessors, but I would say the opposite. I would say they are not being selfish enough. They maybe are not caring for their own needs. And for most of us women, our needs are to see our household in order, our loved ones cared for. My bias is showing.

You hear so much about people trying to juggle too much, especially women. Picture someone juggling five balls. Many lifestyle experts would suggest that we need to get rid of some of those balls and that is not a bad idea. But what about juggling some different balls? Maybe people need to choose different balls. Maybe we all need to pray more for God's will for our lives. He may come up with something that you never thought of, that may work better for YOU as well as your family!

If you are struggling with juggling, pray about it and wait for God to show you the way. For me that was and still is working from hom. Only He knows what would be best for you! just for you! Be selfish, do it now!

Getting Personal....

2009-02-07T07:15:00.002-05:00

I have favourite lines in movies. One of my favourite lines was in 'You've God Mail'. Meg Ryan has had to close her little book store because Tom Hanks has moved into her neighbourhood with his big huge book store. When he starts to care for her he apologizes to her for what he did but says 'it wasn't personal, it was business' and she says 'well, it may not have been personal to you but it was personal to me, and what is anything if it is not personal? Aren't we supposed to be personal?' Now I might not have it word for word but you get the idea.

Life is more meaningful in it when it is personal. The opposite of personal would be uninvolved, uncaring, indifferent, and not even fully alive. When I think back on the sign painting I did over the years I believe, in my own little way I was giving a neat gift to someone by personalizing it, by making it personal!

We are persons! We are unique and we want our uniqueness to be recognized. We need to be dealt with personally, not just like everyone else. And it means so much when people recognize your uniqueness.

Don't you love receiving a gift that was given with great thought? A gift which shows that the giver knows you, is observant of your likes and dislikes, your needs and your desires? My stepdaughter gave me a bunch of little notebooks f(rom the dollar store!) when I started writing so I could keep on in my purse, one in the car, one beside the bed, etc. My oldest daughter gave me a red coat because she knows I love the colour red! It means that they have noticed ME! That kind of gift is so much more meaningful that a generic gift.

God is a personal God. He deals with each of us according to who we are, and he knows just who we are because he created us, each one unique! And God himself is unique and he wants to get personal, to be personal to each one of us. He is not an idea, not a religion, but a person, just as we are and he wants to get close to us, just as we long to be close to someone.

The joy I have received from my years as an artist has been precious because it was so personal. It wasn't just a job, or a hobby, but it became personal. My family was involved, I worked from home and I was able to take what I do and make it not just personal for me, but personal for others. I count these years as precious ones.

I would like to share a few stories for the next while about being self-employed and all the blessing built into it. If you are thinking of starting your own little business, keep checking in here!

The Biggest Sign I Ever Painted!

2009-02-06T07:50:00.003-05:00

Thanks to my ambitious husband, I ended up painting bigger and bigger signs all the time. There were several for bed and breakfasts, my style seemed to suit that sort of thing.

But the biggest sign of all was for our hometown. Like a lot of towns around Ontario, we are going through a revitalization process, trying to give the town a facelift and by so doing, hopefully in the long run bringing economic reward to the area.

So, at one of the meetings we were discussing which one of our many ideas we should do first, since we couldn't afford to them all at once. (I was already prepared for this discussion and had several mock-ups of possible signs painted in miniature ready to show!)

There is nothing like a visual example to give people a concrete idea of what a positive effect something can have. Once again I got to see the folk art work its magic on people. They were literally drawn into the sign samples. They had fun choosing which one they liked best and why. And they were able to really get excited about the possibilities.

This was just another of the many ways that folk art gave me an outreach to people and of course in return people reach back to you! The job for the sign was put up for tender and I got the job! And I believe I was the one for that job because I was the only one who was actually from the area, who had some pride and wanted to do this sign as a gift to my hometown.

It was such fun to design it so it would reflect our local history. I felt like I was giving a gift to my town (and getting paid for it!) Even before it went up, everyone was getting excited about it. I was in and out of the hardware store to get supplies and I would bring a mock-up for the sign and they would all get excited about that. Everyone was taking some pride and ownership to it.

The day the sign went up was a proud day for us all! I was only the painter, just the vehicle. This was just the beginning of many revitalization ideas that are still going on today. But how I cherish this opportunity to give this gift to my community. It is a sign with heart and with pride, not just something rendered up on the computer using a program with a bunch of suggestions.

The sign makes a huge impact on the entrance crossroads of our town. Every time I drive into town and see that 8' x 12' sign, I feel joy in my heart. And I have been told that many people who have lived in our plain little town all of their lives feel a new pride for their home.

It was another opportunity the folk art brought into my life so that I could 'get personal'. I would like to share some more stories about 'getting personal' in the next little while. For if life isn't personal, then what is it?

Business Picks Up!

2009-02-05T08:15:00.002-05:00

As I continue this little saga of my painting career, I need to say that there is not a lot of money to be made selling folk art. I made more money teaching lessons than selling. However, it was still fun and the best part of all was how I could involve my family and how I could work from home, and so all things considered, it was still a fun way to make a meagre living.

Some time after my divorce I met a lovely man, Cliff, who I eventually married. What he didn't know about himself before he met me was that he was a natural salesman and that he had a gift for retail merchandising. I didn't know it was possible to make any more money out of my little talent, but with his coaching, in no time, business had doubled! (now that is doubling meagre, so it was still not a big income.....)

He's a very shrewd man and when we first met he would often come and visit me at a craft show. He would watch the traffic flow and observe what people were looking at, and then he would make little changes in my display, maybe moving something from the back to the front and .... voila! a sale! He had a knack for it!

He also noticed differences between my work and the work of the other folk artists (the competition!) and he said that none of them could paint lettering as well as I did, and why not emphasize that part of my gift so that I could stand out as unique, offering the customers something they couldn't get from anyone else.

Before you know it, we devised a way for me to paint right at the craft shows. I had signs ready to go, just waiting for a name and as soon as a customer would make their purchase, I would get their name on the sign! Signs became my best sellers! And if I was not painting a sign, I brought a few other things to paint on and so I painted throughout the show, also a great crowd pleaser. Since I paint standing up at a high table, I was at a good level for the walkers by to see, many would stop for awhile!

My mother used to say that one good idea usually leads to another good idea and in this case it was true. I used to get quite antsy at craft shows, I hated just standing around for so many hours, and I don't like crowds and all in all it just wasn't one of my favourite atmospheres. But remember how I told you that when I was painting I would be transported to a special place where I was relaxed and I would not think anxious thoughts? Well, it worked here as well. Painting was like a tranquilizer for me and it drugged me enough to get me through those shows.

So, there it is. It took someone who was totally unfamiliar with folk art, not experienced with craft shows, and someone who cared a great deal about me, to take an objective look at my situation and make it work better than it was working before. Could you use someone like that? Could you use someone to act as a coach in your life, bringing out your best? It doesn't have to be a future husband as it was with me. But God probably already has somebody in mind to help you too! He is just waiting for you to give him permission to bring that person along.... when you are ready.....

Tomorrow I would like to tell you about the biggest sign I ever painted!

Painting Through Sorrow?

2009-02-04T10:04:00.006-05:00

In the last several posts I have been sharing stories about my painting life, the friends I met, the travels I enjoyed and the blessings I received. But the biggest blessing of all was just the painting itself. Some of the happiest hours of my life have been spent alone, in my studio, paintbrush in hand. Apparently when we do creative things such as painting, our brain switches over to the side that we don't usually use for most other things. For a time we are 'transported' and relaxed and are even, for awhile able to forget some of our worries. That has been true for me. Many times, painting has practically saved my life.

At this point of my story, my life took on a drastic and unwelcomed change. After 24 years of marriage, my husband, in the midst of a mid-life crisis, walked out. I am not going to share the pain of that experience but I am going to share with you how painting helped me through it.

For starters, I needed the money and couldn't get back my teaching job and so I had to keep painting (even though I didn't make much money at it!) And those hours of painting 'transported' me away from my emotional pain, if only for awhile. Also, I had to sell my wares and so, even though I didn't want to see people, I was forced to continue to go back to the farmers market every Saturday morning. My faithful friends there, Marsha and Eleanor were a big support.

The Lord saw fit to find me a house that had the most perfect room in the basement for teaching folk art lessons and so that is what I did. Again, I would rather not have seen anyone, but many of those lovely students became friends for awhile, much needed friends, some of whom had gone through what I was going through.

Remember now that I had been away from my painting career for several years while I taught school, but it was an encouragement to see that people remembered me and my unique painting style and several of my new students said that they had a friend who said that if you wanted to really learn folk art you needed to take lessons with the best.... and that apparently was me! What a boost to this poor old rejected wife!

God gives each of us gifts. Sometimes we feel that the purpose of these gifts is to bless others and that can be true. But I have found that another important purpose is the good feeling you have when you use your God-given gift.

And so the painting saved the day! One day at a time.... until one day I met someone who would bring my painting career to a whole new level!

Farmers Market Revisited....

2009-02-03T08:38:00.002-05:00

The good Lord saw fit to take me out of the folk art business for awhile and sent me back to teaching school for about six years. Strangely enough, the folk art had been such a big part of my life and yet I didn't miss it.

Since one of the reasons I had been self-employed all of those years was so that I could be available to my little family, the teaching worked out well too, since the girls went to the same school where I taught! And since teaching was able to make use of my creativity I was not starved for expression.

But when the last of my girls graduated, I graduated as well, my painting was calling me back! It was good to be working at home again, and even though the girls were teenagers now, I was glad to be available for whatever came up! This time I had a much smaller studio, at one end of the living room facing out over our 100 acres. It was very handy and close to where the girls watched TV and did their homework and so I could also keep an eye on what they were watching (which they hated!) and we could chat.

And again the Farmers Market called me back as well. Working long hours alone at home, made that Saturday outing even more enjoyable. This time the girls did not go with me, they had their own weekend jobs, but the Lord blessed me with the most wonderful neighbours, Marsha who sewed wonderful women's clothing and Eleanor who sold her maple syrup (I am now an expert on maple syrup!)

These were happy years for me. But, unexpectedly my life was about to change.... completely!

It was wonderful once again to share the painting. One of the fun things about sharing something that you love to do is that people who see it see the love! I wish you could see some of the faces of people as they would walk by and catch the colours and smile and then stop to take a longer look. I saw so many smiles over the years. Folk art is simple and bright and decorative, not a serious art form and so it seems to bring out the smiles in people.

Painting at the Farmer's Market?

2009-02-02T09:08:00.003-05:00

One of the many treasured memories I have of my painting career was selling my wares at our local farmers market. Since I am an early morning person, this was not too big a stretch for me.

When my girls were young, they would go along with me. We had an old camper van. They would pack a few dolls and games and romp around in the back while I stood at my booth. They made a few friends with children of the other venders there.

Many of my students felt that this was a step down for me. They admired my work and knew how much I had studied and when I started painting six quart baskets to sell for $9.95 they just didn't understand. But you know, I enjoyed every minute. It didn't matter what I was painting as long as I was painting. And I had no ambitions to establish myself as an artist of a higher calling.

And besides, the farmers market was not typically a place where people were looking at arts and crafts but a place where they came to do grocery shopping. So, my work was an unexpected surprise and it gave me a chance to expose my work to a broader audience. Plus it was an opportunity to promote my classes.

The people you meet at the farmers market are a lovely bunch. Number one, they are morning people and outdoors people and so they are mostly in a good mood. And two, you get to meet lots of children and dogs! Most of the venders are self-employed and share the struggle and so we were able to chat it up a bit. And just being outside, except for the bad weather days, was absolutely wonderful.

Notice I haven't mentioned anything about selling? What is wrong with me?! Yes I did sell stuff there but I hardly made my fortune as no one else did either, but I had fun doing it. And you know, for the low price of a booth, I made more there per hour than I usually made at craft shows!

Perspective is a wonderful thing. I imagine I used to come home from that long morning at the market complaining to my husband about how little money I made, how poorly behaved the kids were and how tired I was.... but all I can remember is the good!

Tomorrow I will tell you about going back to that market after being away for a long time....

Farm Kitchen Studio!

2009-01-24T07:48:00.005-05:00

As much as people enjoyed the classes themselves, I think many of them just enjoyed a couple of hours spent in my farm studio. It took them back in time. The house was a turn of the century (the last century!) victorian with character and for some people, nostalgia....

It wasn't very big so once we were seated it was best if everyone just stayed put except that the way I would demonstrate was to have them come and gather around me at my drafting board while I painted. This was always a special moment. The ladies would wait eagerly and quietly wait and watch while my brush perched at the ready to show them some new technique. There would be fun comments such as "why doesn't it look like that when I do it?" or "you make it look so easy...." There was one student in particular who would let out a loud groan each time I executed a stroke. There was another who always had her project piece in hand when she came up, and instead of letting me demonstrate on paper, she would slip her piece on top of the paper and say, '"may as well not waste your time on paper". She was clever, and never had to do much painting in class.

But in each group there would be one quiet one, one who had really picked up on the painting, who, like me when I took classes, couldn't wait for the teacher to finish her demonstration so she could quickly get back to her seat and try it herself!

The class was as much like a therapy session as a painting class. Problems were discussed and there was much laughter, and even some tears. As a person who loves to tell a story, I know I also contributed more than my share of the chatter. Each group became a bit like a family, looking forward to seeing one another each week, asking after one another's families, and if a problem was shared, just inquiring how things were going.

They were so much more than painting classes! Some students only painted when they came to class, it was really just an outing for them. There was just a small handful who were so inspired, so driven that they went home and continued to paint and some of those opened up studios of their own to teach classes, and others went on to try other forms of painting and showed great talent and promise.

What satisfaction, to share what I loved, with so many wonderful people, and not have to go any farther than my own home to do it! I count those years and the people I met a blessing in my life!
Way down at the bottom of the blog (I wasn't sure how to do it any other way), I have added some photos that you may get a kick out of. They are of my various studios and painting experiences all of which have added so much to my life. I am happy to report that I have been able to lose those extra pounds through weight watchers and I am now almost the same as I was in the very first photo!

I will be taking a blogging break for about a week, but look forward to sharing more "what I learned from my art" stories with you.

People Need People!

2009-01-23T09:14:00.002-05:00

As I reminisce about painting and how I got started and how it changed my life, I find more and more little memories coming to mind.

Here is one. I am displaying my folk art at a craft show, trying to sell some, and promoting my folk art classes which I have now started teaching. A woman about my age enters the building, she is in a wheelchair, she spots my booth and is clearly drawn in by something and insists her husband bring her closer. She is just thrilled as she looks around at the art, the colours, the designs.... she is smiling! We begin to chat and when she finds out that I teach folk art classes she signs up!

Now, my folk art classes took place in the summer kitchen of my old farmhouse with two steps to navigate before you even got through the door, and the door, well it was not very wide. In other words, my old farmhouse was not very wheelchair accessible. That didn't discourage her though, and she came and she excelled. Before taking classes with me she had been painting eggs, like the Ukranian ones that are so famous, she had been doing this freehand, showing a great deal of ability to design.

As it turned out, it really was too hard for her to come to a second set of classes, and so we brought the classes to her house, for awhile.... and that was fun too. The good thing was that she didn't take classes for too long, now why was that a good thing? Because she had so much natural talent, if she had stuck with me for too long she would have ended up painting just like me instead of becoming the unique artist she is today.

Folk art opened up a whole new world for her, and she opened up a whole new world for me. I made a life-long friend. Next time I would love to tell you about my little folk art studio in the summer kitchen of my old farmhouse... if those walls could talk!

All the Way to California just to PAINT?

2009-01-22T10:29:00.002-05:00

This post is continuing along with the theme of 'Art', how I got into it, what I learned from it and how it enriched my life. By now I had caught up to my mom in learning new skills and we were both looking for someone who could take us a bit farther.

The kind of art we had been doing was, and still is called 'decorative art'. It was easy and fun to learn, especially since you didn't have to draw, patterns were used. You just traced the pattern onto the piece of your choice and painted it. So I was only learning to paint, not to draw and I was hungering for more.

There was a teacher in Californian named Jo Sonja Jansen who was teaching something she called 'folk art'. As soon as I saw one of her books I knew that this would be the teacher for me! Something about her style excited me and when my mom found out that she gave seminars, she signed to two of us up for one and off we went!

It was so exciting.... but I am afraid I didn't see much of California during that visit. We spent over 12 hours in the studio and often took our painting back to the motel room with us. I couldn't get enough. Still however, we were doing projects, which Jo Sonja would choose for us. Everyone in the class would paint the same project. This was a good way to learn but I wanted to start designing my own projects and draw my own designs.

When we found out that the next year's seminar was going to teach just that, how to create your own designs, we signed up for that too. And that is when the creative juices really started to flow for me.

Jo Sonja was an expert on old European folk art. Folk art just means art by people who have no formal training. Anyways, in Europe, each country had their own unique style. For instance the Germans call it Bauernmalerei which means barn painting. The Norwegians call it Rosemaling which means rose painting, etc.... you get the idea.

I found the painting, the history and the stories rich and I just gobbled it all up. Jo Sonja still taught us using a pattern of her own, and a project that was the same for everyone, and I would dutifully follow along with the rest of the class, but with my own project going on the side, something that I had designed myself. I kept two projects going on my table at all times. I was so inspired, I just had to keep going and going and going.

Since that time I have never used a pattern and I think eventually developed my own style, which someday a long time from now people might call 'Canadian folk art'. There will be stories of the history of folk art in Canada and some expert will say that they have found a lot of folk art in my area, so there must have been someone there who painted.....

Folk art became my life and changed my life as well as the life of my little family. Next time I will tell you about some of the wonderful people I met because of it.

Straddling my Mother?

2009-01-21T07:23:00.002-05:00

University was soon over and I had to consider what to do next. I decided to enroll in teacher's college but in the meantime got a good job and enjoyed not having to study all the time. I had time to spare and having now discovered my creative side I wanted to try everything!

To my delight, right around the corner from my apartment, a high school was offering a night class in crafts, a different craft each week. What a treat to take a class just for fun! But you know, not one of those crafts grabbed my interest like painting did.

Teachers College took up a good deal of energy and there was no time to dabble in anything else. But as soon as it was over, I spent some time at home in Toronto with my mom and painted and painted and painted. She had taught so many classes by now, and taken so many classes that she was really good! And she was a natural. Watching her paint was like watching the waves of the ocean or birds take flight, it was a beautiful thing. My mother had a way of making everything she touched beautiful. I can still see her hands gently at work.

Anyways, the kind of painting she was doing was very fine and I wanted to get as close as I could without blocking her light. And so I would literally straddle her while she painted. I would keep my left foot on the floor, my left arm leaning on the table, my right leg on her chair wrapped around her and my right arm on her chair around her shoulder with my chin... well I guess I was literally breathing down her neck! This was the advantage of having your own mother as your teacher, you could get as close as you wanted!

In order to get my first teaching job I had to let on that I was more of an artist than I really was, at least at that point. The job opening was for an art teacher, and so I altered my resume to emphasis my 'dabbling with my mother' to look as though I had artistic ability. I got the job!

And you know what I discovered? I did have artistic ability! It didn't matter what kinds of things I attempted to show the children, I seemed to be able to figure it out, and show them and with great results for both me and them! I wasn't just able to paint and follow patterns but I was learning to draw as well. I also learned that I didn't want to teach school for too long, but I wanted to have a home studio and paint and teach art to others, sharing the joy I knew.

In the years to come, before I had my own children, I would spend three weeks a year painting with my mom. One week at Christmas, one week for March break and one week in the summer. I can still see her dining room table covered with our projects. Eventually we were learning together. She would find books with ideas that we hadn't tried yet and we would figure it out and experiment with colour, form and texture and just have a great old time. By the end of each day we had usually finished a project or two. We would put our projects side by side and when my dad would come home from work, I would say 'so guess which one is mine'. Somehow he managed to give a satisfactory answer such as 'well I can't even see a difference anymore!' which by then was becoming partly true.

I couldn't get enough. I had squeezed every bit of knowledge I could out of my mom but was still hungry for more. She found a book by a teacher we had not yet heard of and made arrangements for both of us to go and study with her. California here I come!

Magic Clipboard?

2009-01-20T07:35:00.002-05:00

I was in my last year of university, newly married, living off campus after living in dorms for two years and be surrounded by people. My new husband was also going to school and working at three part-time jobs. I was lonely and my mother detected that from my letters (remember letters?) and phone calls (although just on Sunday when it was cheaper?)

One day a package arrived for me in the mail. Inside there was a note from my mom which said "here is something to fill those empty hours. It is my original decorative art course with all of the equipment you will need. I have included my 'magic clipboard' which has amazing powers, so watch out....By the way, you may love painting so much that it will even replace sex!)"

That was the beginning of a new love for me, a love affair with a paintbrush. I would lose myself for hours, wonderful hours. I did each lesson step by step, painted all of my lessons on wax paper (remember wax paper?), and then taped each one up on our bedroom wall. In no time at all, the walls were covered and I was ready to try my skill on something more substantial.

After that, all of my visits home (I lived in Ottawa, and my mom was in Toronto) were spent painting with my mom. I was ready to learn from her. I was no longer a teenager with a chip on my shoulder, wanting to prove I could do things by myself. I was ready to soak up everything she could teach me. I had entered a whole new world, a world of colour, of design, of shadow of highlight.... Everywhere I looked I could see patterns; in trees, in clouds, in fabric, on product containers in the stores.... it was everywhere and had been all along, but I was discovering it for the first time!

Next time I will give you a wonderful visual of how I managed to get so close to my mom's paintbrush that I wouldn't miss a thing!

Teaching Others to Paint

2009-01-19T07:35:00.002-05:00

Decorative painting was the name given to this enjoyable new hobby that took over my mother's life. Since there were no experts in Canada at the time (later my mom would be considered 'the expert'), she travelled to the states often to take lessons. There she met some talented painters and made new friends. She would arrive home with projects to show and stories to tell.

Soon, she realized that this was an art form that could be easily taught, it was 'method painting' and even people who considered themselves minimally talented could learn to do it. So, she expanded her enjoyment of painting by offering lessons. Supper time conversation was often about some of her students.

Many student's lives were changed by those lessons. Some discovered that they had a talent for painting. Others just enjoyed the outings and the time spent with a paintbrush in their hands was therapeutic. More than lessons, those classes accomplished so many things, offering self-discovery, companionship, an antidote to grief, a feeling of satisfaction at having produced something beautiful. Some of those groups formed such a bond that they asked if they could stay together for the next set of lessons and the next and the next....

A few students went on to try other types of painting and excelled and even sold their art. Others set up small studios in their own homes and taught decorative art in their neighbourhoods. Husbands were enlisted to make wood projects for painting and many a husband was given new purpose (a had a good reason to go out and buy some equipment!)

There was one person whose life was changed more than any others and that was mine. I will tell you all about it next time....

Art in a Box?

2009-01-17T07:58:00.004-05:00

For my mother's fortieth birthday she received a correspondence decorative art course. Delighted, enthralled and motivated she dug right in and discovered something she loved more than any of the other crafts and artforms that she had tried (and excelled at!)... painting!

It opened up a whole new world for her and for our entire family. I would have been about thirteen years old at the time and more involved in my own concerns than in hers. As I grew into those teen years I never took much interest in what she was doing. And naturally at that age I didn't want to be anything like my mother, I wanted to be unique, something that she was not, so it never dawned on me to imitate her.

I remember one night when I was about sixteen, I was alone for the evening, bored and restless. I looked at her paints and thought that maybe I should give it a try. I had watched her enough to know just how to approach a little project and I knew that she did not mind us dabbling with her equipment. (My mom had a great love for the creative process and did nothing to stand in the way of us expressing our creativity)

So I chose one of her little designs on a cutting board, I believe it was strawberries and daisies, and since she had another unpainted cutting board, I prepared it for myself. I traced on the pattern and proceeded to copy what she had done. To my amazement I was able to reproduce what I saw! For a few hours I was transported into another world, forgot all of my troubles, and used a part of myself I didn't even know I possessed. It was a trip I will never forget.

Right in the middle of it all, there was a knock at the door. Adorned in my mom's painting smock and with a brush in my hand, I answered the door, and it was one of her friends who right away said "you look exactly like your mother!" That was the last thing this sixteen year old wanted to hear and I don't think I picked up a paint brush again for a few years.

That is the end of this part of my story which I will continue next time. Since I enjoyed the month of December on my blog by telling Christmas stories, I decided continue along telling stories that share a theme. The next few tales will be about art and what it has taught me.

The next story I will share under the 'what I have learned from art' theme will tell you about the lives that were transformed by my mom's painting.

How Long Can You Hold Your Arms Up?

2009-01-16T07:43:00.003-05:00

There is a story in the book of Exodus, when Moses is leading the Israelites through the desert. There is a battle between the Amaruks and the Israelites. Of course Moses is cheering for the Israelites and watching the show from the top of the hill. He discovers that when he holds his arms up the Israelites are winning the battle and when he lets them down the Amaruks are winning. So he decides to hold his arms up until the battle is over. At this point God could have intervened and allowed Moses a miracle or two, but no, God chose to provide a more human kind of help for Moses.

Moses couldn't hold his arms up for long without help so his two friends each took one of his arms and held it up for him until the battle was over. Moses' team won, hurray!

Why didn't God just intervene with a miracle and call it a day? I don't know, but this I do know, sometimes the miracles we are looking for are in everyday situations and ordinary people. Those everyday situations and ordinary people are directly from God's hand.

So, how long can you hold both arms up without help?

So, What Would Your 'Happy Ending' Look Like?

2009-01-15T07:54:00.004-05:00

I love to design floorplans of houses. It is like doodling for me. One time my husband came home with a gift of a huge box of graph paper because he sees how much pleasure I get from this pointless hobby.

The strange thing is that I don't design big fancy houses. They are all fairly practical. But each one solves a little problem here or there. And I imagine how much better one design is compared to another. When I feel overwhelmed with my house, I design a smaller one and I imagine how much easier life would be if I had a smaller house.

If one of my kids mentions that they are thinking of building a house, I design one according to the things they told me and I imagine how that might suit them (I don't bother giving them these plans, they are strictly for me and my imagination to enjoy). It is just an fun process, an escape, it does not have to have an ending or a culmination in order for it to have served its purpose, to give me enjoyable escape from life's realities, to give me outlet for my creative nature. Sometimes I even design the same house over and over.... (I wonder what a psychiatrist would say about that?) I don't even keep these plans, the pleasure is in the designing, not the keeping.

I have just finished reading Book #4 of the 'Heart of Montana' series by Tracie Peterson. It was most enjoyable and has been a comfortable escape from the extremely cold temperatures we are experiencing in Ontario this week. The last chapter summed up everyone's lives and all the different plots were tied up and satisfying endings were achieved to most of the difficult situations. I love happy endings! I guess most people do since most good stories have happy endings.

What would your happy ending look like? I know what mine would look like, well, sort of.... and it involves all of the people I love. I am glad however, that I am not the one in charge of figuring out just what each of those people's lives should look like! What a responsibility that would be!

And what does 'happy endings' have to do with my house designs? Well, when I design houses, I am in complete control! In life I am not in control.

Are happy endings pure fantasy? I would say yes and no. Certainly we need to face reality but a little dreaming can go a long way. I believe dreams are important. Any good counsellor will ask you what you would like to see happening in your life if you could have things your way. It is a good question. I challenge you to think about that question today, and then tell God all about it (he alreadys knows anyways!) and give it to him and ask him to bring to pass the good parts of that dream. Maybe he was the one who gave you the dream!

Don't ever stop dreaming. A little bit of dreaming can go a long way. That is how great things happen, both big and small. Dream on!

Does Anyone Out There Like Criticism?

2009-01-14T07:05:00.002-05:00

During my first year of university I worked on the school paper. I thought I would like to write and maybe pick up journalism as my major. When I submitted my first article to the editor I was very excited to see it in print. When I did see it in print, it didn't look like my article at all! I was crushed. I didn't understand the editing process. They gave me the job of doing 'around campus interviews' which worked much better for someone who couldn't cope with criticism since all I had to do was quote people. They probably gave me that job because my writing didn't show much promise. I eventually quit, not because of the editing, but because I didn't feel like I fit in with the rest of the gang, they were mainly hippy/intellectual types interested in politics and economics and philosophy and this wholesome little girl from the Toronto suburbs could not find a kindred spirit in the bunch.

Do you enjoy criticism? How about unsolicited criticism? How about solicited criticism? Or do you ever ask for criticism? Usually when we ask for someone's opinion, we are ready to receive it.

I don't like criticism and I am sure I am not alone. I don't even like it if I suspect that I am being criticized. I am terribly sensitive. It was probably very hard on my parents who had to figure out a way to give me guidance without appearing critical. That is probably why I have spent so much of my life trying so hard, so I leave no room for criticism. It is a pain I would rather avoid.

But I am seeing a flip side of criticism as a writer. Without criticism I cannot grow, I cannot create something worth reading. My husband is my editor for now and doing an amazing job. I give him what I have written. When he brings it back to me it is so much better, I love the way he makes changes, but he still says what I wanted to say in the first place! It still had my intent in it! I am able to trust him with this role of critic because I think a lot of his opinion, I believe in his ability and I know he knows me well enough to get the intent of what I am trying to do. It has a lot to do with who is he and who I allow him to be in my life.

It makes me wonder how many other areas of my life would have benefitted from criticism if I was brave enough to ask for it. Other than my husband, there are probably few people I would trust to ask for criticism, I would be too afraid of what I might hear.... I guess I am not very brave.

There is One who I can take correction from and that is the Lord! He said "Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline." Rev.3:19 I have volunteered to let God come into my life and tell me what to do. Now that isn't as concrete as it might sound. I still have to figure out what he wants of me and it is not always clear. I have to do some guesswork now and then. His bible is my critic and I sense that correction when some of the words convict me. I can take it from God because I trust him, and I know he knows me better than anyone else. How about you? Who do you trust enough to ask for some criticism?

Is This the One I Was Praying for All of these Years?

2009-01-13T08:44:00.003-05:00

At each of my daughters weddings I received the most delightful revelation. At both weddings I was invited to welcome everyone to the reception and pray before we ate. At each wedding, as I reached the podium and looked at my daughter and her new husband I had a revelation ("this is the one I have been praying about all of these years!")

Let me explain. When I first became a christian I was about thirty years old and my daughters were 3 and 5. I was excited about everything to do with my newfound faith. I devoured my bible and read books telling me how other christians led their lives. One christian woman said how she started praying for the spouse of each of her children, while those children were still young. I decided I would do that too!

Don't get me wrong, I am not some big spiritual giant who spends hours on their knees every day. But I do believe in prayer and sometimes make a point of spending some time in prayer, and other times, I just pray as I go along in my day, around the house, in the car, or on a walk. I was praying for a boy who neither my daughters or I had met yet. I don't know just what I prayed for him, I guess whatever came to mind at the time.

So, there I was up at the podium and looked over at each of these young men, and it came to me "He is the one! He is the one I was praying for all these years!" I had forgotten all about it until then (I often forget what I have prayed about, which is why I keep a list). I was overcome with what God had done. So where there was once on my prayer list "future husband for my daughters", I have a name instead, but God knew who I was praying about all of those years.

Do you ever hope for something that doesn't happen the way you want it? Maybe you hope you will pass an exam but you fail. That hope has been "deferred", which just means that you didn't get what you wanted. Sometimes however, you hope for something which hasn't exactly been denied, it just hasn't come about yet.

Proverbs 13"12 says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick...." which sort of means that when our dreams get shattered, we are heartbroken. I have had a dream shattered and I know just what that means and how that feels.

Prayer however is different from hope. Hope is more like a daydream in some ways, whereas prayer is a specific request made to God. I have nothing against daydreaming, it is a lovely little trip to take. But turning those daydreams to God (who probably gave you the dreams in the first place) is a more efficient and productive way of dreaming.

I would like to encourage you today to take every one of your dreams and make it into a prayer (write them down so you don't forget!) and wait and see what God will do!

I would like to encourage you today to "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Is that a COW in the parking lot?

2009-01-12T07:36:00.002-05:00

We have been away in St. Jacobs for a few days celebrating our tenth anniversary which is why I have been away from blogging as well. As we enjoyed our breakfast one bright winter morning, in a wonderfully windowed dining room overlooking the St. Jacobs Farmers Market and Stockyards as well as several empty parking lots for outlet stores, I saw a big black blob which caught my interest. As I watched it I thought I saw movement, but no, I concluded, that must just be the wind, it is probably a big black garbage bag.

I continued enjoying my tea and then I saw the big black bag, walk across the road! It was a cow which had escaped from the stockyards! What unexpected fun, and a great show for me to watch during my holiday breakfast. The cow slid a bit on some of the pavement, then headed out behind the hotel where there was a road. I got out of my chair to get a closer view and noticed the traffic on that road was slowing down, so I assumed the cow was on the road!

We lost sight of the cow and prepared to go out for the day. As we drove toward the Farmers Market we saw police cars and a farmer in a truck, trying to corner the poor confused cow. It was truly out of its element. Cars were stopping everywhere to watch. It was something totally unexpected in everyone's day, even the cow's!

The unexpected tickles a part of me that nothing else can. I become like a kid for a few moments, enjoying the sight of something I have never seen before. It is fresh and unasked for.

I am ashamed to say that sometimes I get answers to prayer that are unexpected. There have been times when I have prayed and forgotten what I have prayed about and so that if the answer presents itself, I might have forgotten and given God no credit whatsoever....

It happened last night. We lost something (happens often around here) and so we prayed and asked God to help us find it. (I believe in a God who is interested in problems both big and small) We still couldn't find it and I kept looking for awhile and then gave up. A short while later my husband called me "found it!" and I am ashamed to admit that I was a little surprised. Answers to prayer can be unexpected (oh me of little faith!) but I continue to pray because God has answered enough in both big and small ways that I know he hears me and I know he cares.

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him."! John 5:14

Answers to prayer, just like that cow in the parking lot, can be unexpected but very real. If you get a kick out of the unexpected the way I do, put God to the test, prayer and wait and expect....

Do You Need 'Updating'?

2009-01-06T07:50:00.002-05:00

I love to watch the house and garden network. I enjoy seeing houses transformed. I know it is all staged for TV and yet I do get totally wrapped up in it and thrill at the 'reveals'. The idea of renovation and transformation is probably something that fascinates most of us. We dream of making changes, and yet the task seems overwhelming. On these shows however, it only takes 30 minutes and there are many little angels to help get the job done.

The real estate shows are fun too. For someone like me who has always loved houses (has been designing floorplans since I was a teenager!) and cannot go for a drive without noticing the houses as much as the scenery, these shows fit into my fantasy life! Others must share my interest since these shows are so popular.

I get a kick out of the comments that the house hunters say about the houses they are looking at (and yes, I know that even the comments are staged!) "Oh, I love the granite counter tops" makes me wonder how any of us even lived before such countertops. "Stainless steel appliances, just what I wanted!" I think the granite and stainless steel people must pay for these shows. If these things are missing, the house hunter may say with distaste "it kind of needs updating".

However, if the house is really old, say a hundred years or so, the real estate agent won't say anything about 'updating' but instead will point out all "original features". I guess it is all on how you look at things and the words you use to describe them. Personally I have found that a fresh coat of paint does wonders for a fading house, and that some 'original features' are more bother than they are worth.... but I diverse.

My point is about 'updating', what are we dating up to, or what are we up dating to? What is the standard? It would seem that according to these shows, the standard keeps changing and we have to keep up to it. That is a lot of pressure if you buy into it, it is unrealistic and expensive. I guess the word 'updating' is just a new twist on the expression 'keeping up with the Jones'.

And why are renovations so popular? Why do many of us only dream of renovating our homes? I guess we want to transform them into something that works better for us, that looks better, or that increases the value of our home?

I am sure you may by now know where I am heading with this. We have something way more important that could use some renovating.... our hearts. And God is the great renovator of all time. He has been doing it since the beginning of time. But he needs our permission. And His standard never changes.

There is still a product that you can buy that will never need updating... the bible! Did you know that the bible is the best selling book of all time? Check it out if you don't believe me.

Matthew 24:25 says "Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away." God is the great renovator of all time. Let him renovate your soul this year. He has been doing it forever, he knows what he is doing.

He uses his word, the bible to do the job. Now let's see, if there were a house and garden network for God, I think I would call it "Heart and Soul Network"...what do you think of that?

Church in the Car?

2009-01-05T07:07:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, I had a pain in my leg which I could not explain. It had started the previous day and was strong enough to make me gasp, but it came and it went, and that happened only a few times and I managed to ignore it.

Sunday morning was a different story. The pain seemed to come about every 15 minutes and I could not ignore it. By this time I WAS worrying a little and wondering what WAS wrong, but hopED it will go away as mysteriously as it came.

It did not. While I was sitting in church it got worse. When the speaker stepped to the podium, I knew I could not sit through the rest of the service and left and went to the car, planning to go home for a bit and then return to pick up my husband.

When I got to the car however, I discovered that some latecomers had parked in such a way that I was trapped and would have to wait it out, right there in the parking lot. Our church is out in the country and overlooks open fields. It was a cold but beautiful day. I turned on the heat and tried to find a comfortable position. The pain was still coming regularly but I was able to relax a bit better and stretch out. I cannot relax at all when I am surrounded by people.

As I began to relax just a bit, I enjoyed the view for awhile, and the silence. I love silence! My mind drifted .... and I found myself thinking that I would probably enjoy church more if I was alone. (I am such an introvert!) Instead of having thoughts forced on me, I could just let my mind go where it wanted. Instead of shaking a bunch of hands with a bunch of people I barely know, I could just shake the hand of God (figuratively speaking) and He and I could enjoy a bit of fellowship.

However, there is a time for everything, and church does serve a purpose and most of the time I enjoy the music and the sermon. But yesterday was a precious gift as I was reminded of how special it was to be quiet with God, just a silent comfortable companionship, like a child playing on the floor in the kitchen while its mother does the dishes. They don't need to talk, they know where each other is, they know who each other are, they love each other, they are just together in companionable silence.

As I admired the view I couldn't help but once again be reminded at what a great job He did of creating this amazing earth. In my own way, I was worshipping. No words, no other people.

That pain in my leg got my attention, and I was forced to stop...everything! When I got home that day I prepared to rest but called Telehealth first to make sure I was not hosting a blood clot. When we eliminated those possibilites, I went to bed to relax for the rest of the day. The pain continued on into the night and I was only able to sleep about an hour at a time....

But this morning it seems to be... gone! Now explain that! Maybe there doesn't have to be an explanation, but I am happy that God did get my attention yesterday and I managed to spend some very precious quiet time with Him.

"Be still and know that I am God...." Psalm 46:10. Try it, you'll like it!

Why is Failure Such a 'Good Thing'?

2009-01-03T08:25:00.003-05:00

My years spent in the arts and crafts business were humbling years. I am a painter, a folk artist (or decorative painter...) and I decorate things to sell. This has brought me many pleasant hours. Aside from the painting itself which is fun, it is like solving a mystery to figure out what people will buy. Why was it humbling? Because no matter how much praise and admiration I received for my work, selling it was still a challenge.

For instance, I sell a lot of decorated milk cans. I have a fellow who sandblasts them and primes them before I begin my decorating. So, one day he asked me if I would have any use for a bunch of circular sawblades which he wanted to get rid of. I figured if they were free, why not?

So, I took the circular sawblades home (60 of them!) and thought about what would look good on them. I have learned that nostalgia sells, and often a design which is sympathetic with the item, helps it to sell. For instance, farm scenes on milk cans sell better than city scapes on milk cans. So I figured that maybe an old saw mill would look good on one of these little circular saws. I painted one and liked it so much that I did several more. I was rather pleased with it when I was done. Guess what? No one was interested! I still have some left, so if you live nearby, come on over and I will give you one!

In the meantime, I still had about 50 of these blades to get rid of. I thought that maybe something simple that I could sell at a low price would work. Sometimes it is the price that sells an item and not the design (also humbling!) So I just painted the background a nice sky blue, painted a hammer and a saw and printed "Dad's Shop" and sold it for a very reasonable $9.95. All 50 of those silly little signs sold! Go figure!

Even though I had a talent for painting, I did not have a talent for knowing what people liked. That part was work (although business did improve when I met my husband, he has a talent for selling anything!) I needed help!

We often envy people's talents, but even talented people need help. Whatever a person has a natural talent for, does in no way assure their success at it. We all need help and direction. So where does our help come from?

"I lift up my eyes to the hills - where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1

What do you need help with? Have you asked God yet? God answers prayer in so many different ways. Talking to God is a little like talking to a good counsellor. Sometimes they have specific advice to give you which can make all of the difference. Sometimes they will give you new perspective on an old problem. Sometimes just talking about things can make you feel better. Sometimes talking things out can open up your mind to possibilities that may be right under your nose. God is that good counsellor...and he is free...to everyone!

Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?

2009-01-02T08:06:00.004-05:00

Do you remember the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold S. Kushner? It was on the best seller list for quite a while. People have always been looking for answers to this question. The basic premise in this book is that suffering is meaningless unless you decide otherwise.

People are tempted to try to explain suffering as if it was not a natural phenomena. You have heard some of these expressions:

"When God closes a door he opens a window"

"There isn't an ill wind that doesn't blow some good."

You can probably add to my short list.

There is no one who doesn't struggle with the question of why bad things happen to good people. Have you heard the expression "only the good die young"? We feel that it is not natural for the young to die and so we must explain it. (On the other hand, when a bad person dies, do we say 'he got what was coming to him'? Well, we probably thought it but didn't say it!)

I believe in a God who loves us so much that he gives us free will. Just as with my own children, I protected them when they were young and I taught them, but in my love for them now, I am not at their door making sure they do everything right, and preventing them from making any mistakes. I have released them and they do as they choose.

Evil does exist. God could change it if he wanted. God can do anything he wants. But he loves us and is not going to control our lives. He is there if we need him and we can seek his help and advice but he does not control us or our wills. He gives us FREE WILL.

We do know that much good can come out of suffering. An example is MADD, which stands for Mothers Against Drunk Drivers. They are mad and they are sad, but they are doing something about it! Think of other organizations, the Cancer Society for instance. Many of the volunteers have lost a loved one to cancer, and they understand and want to help. There are so many instances where we can use our suffering to benefit others.

The added comfort for a believer is that God will use ALL of the things that happen to us, both good and bad, he can mix them together and bring good out of them.

Romans 8:28 says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him , who have been called according to his purpose." What a promise 'for those who love him'!

If you don't love him yet, if you don't know him yet, why not now? Let God take 'all things' in your life and work them together for good!

Oh, I forgot the best part of that promise which is mentioned a bit farther along in the chapter: "If God is for us, who can be against us?"

What is the Difference Between God and Jesus?

2009-01-01T08:51:00.003-05:00

One day my sister and I, both in our twenties, were having one of our many talks and we confessed to one another that even though we did not believe in God, we kind of envied people who did. It seemed like such a comforting idea to have blind faith, to stop running the treadmill of trying to figure out the meaning of life and to just relax and believe in someone who was more powerful than us. Even though we had been taken to church as children, we still did not believe.

Until one day a few years later when a christian moved next door to my sister. A friendship was formed and when the neighbours were taking a trip, they asked my sister to babysit the house and feed the plants, and by the way "help yourself to any books in our library". My sister, an avid reader, could not resist such an invitation. Soon she was learning all about Christianity and starting to believe. She even sent some of the books my way and I became a believer as well.

As soon as my eyes were opened and I really believed that God sent his son to this earth, to die for me, I wondered "why didn't anyone tell me about this before?" It all seemed so simple and so true and certainly the very thing that had been missing in my life. I wanted to tell everyone! I soon found out however, that everyone did not want to hear what I had to say. Despite that, I tell whoever I can, whenever I can, leaving it up to God to do the rest.

We presently live in a world where it is more fashionable to talk about God than it used to be. Some people refer to him as a 'higher power', others call him 'providence'. You hear a lot about 'spirituality' these days, it seems to be quite acceptable. The one word that still gets to some people though is 'Jesus'. I am sure many still think that Christians are 'Jesus freaks' and wonder why we go on and on about Jesus, and why couldn't we just refer to a generic god, like everyone else?

I will tell you why. There is only one way to God, and that is through JESUS!

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16) It's true!

Jesus himself said "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well."

You can't have one without the other. Yes, Jesus and God are the same, but yes there is a difference.... you need to come to Jesus, accept him as your saviour, and he will give you access to God, anytime, anywhere, anyhow, no matter who you are or what you have done.

This is how I want to start my new year in this blog. I want to tell everyone about Jesus! And I did!

Why Do We Like New Things?

2008-12-31T13:19:00.003-05:00

Why are romance novels so popular? You may think that the answer is that they are usually read by women who like to read about something that they can only dream about, to escape the reality of their own romance or lack thereof. That may be one reason, but I have another.

Most marriages begin with romance. Romance is the birth of the marriage. It is the new part where everything is thrilling, where your chemical response to one another is at an all time high. It is that special fragile period when a couple takes time for one another, enjoys every part of each other's attributes (things that may drive them nuts in the years to come!). It is fleeting and cannot last forever. That new romance is to be treasured and in reading a romantic novel you can visit it again! I am not saying that there is not romance alive in many long lasting relationships, but that first time of discovery only lasts awhile and that makes it special. My mother used to love the saying "all the world loves a lover" (she was married three times!)and there is a lot of truth to that.

Any birth is a miraculous thing. I challenge any one of us to hold a kitten or a puppy and not feel in awe of the cuteness and newness of it all. Those who have seen birth first hand have experienced that moment of awe when we feel as though God himself is in the room, for how could humans make something so miraculous happen? A new baby is one of the precious results from a romance, and oh what a wonder a new baby is! We love to watch them, hold them, smell them, listen to them. They are captivating, miraculous, and fleeting, for they won't last forever, you have to appreciate them while you can.

Is the birth of a new year not a little bit like that? New and pure, no mistakes in it yet, a chance to start over and try again? You have never experienced the first day of 2009 before, it is new territory, unblemished, undiscovered, a fresh beginning. Maybe you need a fresh beginning.

A new romance, a new baby, a new year are all opportunities to look at life as a precious fleeting experience. We are only here on earth for awhile. I heard it said that for a christian, "life begins when you die" and as true as that may be, many of us will be living on this earth for a good old while and we will need as much help as we can get.

The bible talks about being 'born again'. Jesus said "I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again." This would suggest that we get to be born a second time. How does this happen? Jesus is referring to being born spiritually. Your parents gave you physical birth, but only God, through Jesus can give you spiritual birth. Maybe 2009 is your year to be born again, and you will experience the greatest birth and the greatest romance of all time!

Have You Had Enough Yet?

2008-12-30T08:12:00.004-05:00

So.... have you had enough food, family, and fun? Or maybe you didn't have enough, or maybe you had too much? Either way, I am reminded of this poem I found (and have searched on the internet but found no author). It is called "Enough"

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright,
enough rain to appreciate the sun more,
enough happiness to keep your spirit alive,
enough pain so that the smallest joys appear much bigger,
enough gain to satisfy your wanting,
enough loss to appreciate all that you possess,
enough "Hello's" to get you through the final "Good-by."

If we agree with the writer of these words, then we would agree that our sorrows are as important in building our characters as our joys. Do you agree? Would you wish for yourself any of the difficult things that you have experienced? Have any of those experiences made you a better person? I find myself thinking of these kinds of things every Christmas as I am reminded at this time of year of some of my losses, some of my sorrows, and some of the difficulties that I continue to face on a daily basis. The joys however, always outweigh the sorrows and when I see the faces of my loved ones who are still with me, I am filled with joy!

I believe that both our happiness and our sorrows come through the loving hand of God, with his wisdom and his permission. I believe in a God who knows exactly what we need in order to become what he designed us to become. I believe these words in Phillipians 4:19 "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."

If you know God already, why not reaccess some of your needs and talk to God about them? If you don't know him yet, you are missing out on the most wonderful relationship known to man.... When all other relationships let you down, and they will, God will never let you down. God will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

To me the greatest 'enough' is God himself. He is enough. Try for yourself....

As the year draws to a close, it is natural to be reflective and think about some changes for the new year. You may have noticed that I have made several changes to the blog and I will be making some more! Let me know what you think.

How Do You Deal With Change?

2008-12-28T13:55:00.001-05:00

Bear with me as I experiment with some changes for my blog....

What Do a Broken Glass or Spilt Milk have to do with Christmas?

2008-12-20T10:18:00.005-05:00

I had an amazing mother, not a perfect mother, but an amazing one. She was beautiful and talented in many ways, plus she had an appealing personality as well as a delightful sense of humour. Sometimes as a young awkward girl, I would feel slightly dimmed by the shadow she cast.

But I remember one time she had a showing of her art. My sister and I usually went to these events. Everyone would say "you must be so proud of your mother" and I would say yes (although inside I was thinking 'well, I am kind of used to it, this is really no big deal for me....').If I was standing with my mother when someone came to her and raved about her work, she would put her arms around me and my sister and say "this is my best work right here".

I am thankful for a mother who could put things in perspective. She did the same thing with christmas. Oh sure, she decorated and baked and bought us a few lovely gifts, and sent Christmas cards and the whole bit.... but she would emphasize that it was a just a day among the 365 days of the year and we knew she loved us every day, not just on days where there were gifts and fussing around.

When we grew up, whenever we all got together, she would hug herself and smile as she looked at us and she would say "it is just like Christmas!" indicating that the best part of Christmas was just being together. She really knew how to prioritize.

I remember one time she was going away and leaving my dad and me and my sister alone (we were now teenagers) to fend for ourselves for a week or so. Instead of a long list of nagging instructions, inferring that we were too stupid to think for ourselves, she left one little note on the fridge which said:

PLANTS NEED WATER
CATS NEED FOOD
PEOPLE NEED LOVE

I am thankful also that she did not react to my clumsiness. If I spilled milk or broke a glass she would never get angry, she and I would just clean it up together. If she could see that I was upset she would make sure that it just didn't matter, it was just milk, or it was just a glass. Milk and glasses don't matter, people do.

I will never forget, when she had terminal cancer and she only had a few days or weeks left, she was in her bedroom, and I was in the kitchen getting something ready for her and I dropped a glass. It made quite a crashing noise on the tile floor. In her weakened state she called from her bedroom "Merry Christmas!" which lightened the concern over the broken glass and reminded me that she didn't worry about such things.

May you be able to keep Christmas in perspective this year. Give to it what you can, take from it what you can, ignore it if you want. God has created you and he knows all about you, your joys and sorrows, your needs and your wants, your good memories and your painful ones. My prayer for you is that God will bless you this Christmas in a way that is special, just for you, and in a way that has little to do with this man-made season.

I won't be blogging again until the beginning of the new year and so I bid you Season's Greetings until then....

Driving in a Snowstorm and Reading a Book, at the same time?

2008-12-19T07:55:00.003-05:00

It was 1975, Christmas day and my husband and I were travelling from his mother's house just outside of Ottawa, to my folks house in Toronto. I was excitedly expecting our first child due in June. I had a book with me called 'Birth Stories' put out by the 'Lamaze' people. You have to have lived in the seventies and eighties to remember Lamaze.

The Lamaze method was a specialized form of coping with natural childbirth. I was into everything natural in those days and was gung ho, in the way that only a young person can be gung ho (where does that expression come from anyways?) I had with me a book about the birth stories of people who had used the Lamaze method during labour and delivery.

As soon as we left on our five hour drive, we realized that we were in the middle of a snowstorm. The radio informed us that the storm was province-wide and so we settled in for a long day. I am usually a nervous passenger in bad weather and so it was a blessing that I had this book to distract me and keep my eyes off of the road, which you could hardly see....

I read each story out loud so my husband and I could share it. They were all wonderful accounts with the ending being the happiest of all.... a healthy bouncing baby! I cried at the birth of each baby and I even think I saw my husband shed a tear or two.

The five hour drive turned into seven hours, but you know what? The trip for me flew by since I was so absorbed in my book. As I finished reading the last of the stories, we were pulling into my parents' driveway. God not only took care of me during that storm, he even blessed me!

Why Would I Get an Empty Paint Can for a Christmas Present?

2008-12-18T07:29:00.003-05:00

That's right! An empty paint can!

One year when I was feeling particularly low, and feeling as though I could not do much of anything extra around the house, let alone get the necessary things done... my daughters surprised me at christmas with the most wonderful gift!

When I opened my present there was an empty paint can with a paint stick attached and a very official label stuck on the front that said 'ROOM IN A CAN'. When I read the note attached it said, "go to the TV and turn it on". Waiting for me there was a DVD, which started with one of my daughters standing next to the town sign on the highway near here, and saying that she is part of the "Room in a Can" team who is heading to the house of Wendalyn Love and surprising her with a newly decorated bedroom. Then she introduced her team and showed each of them up in my bedroom, doing various things.... She referred to my 6'5" son-in-law as the 'human stepladder' as he touched the ceiling with a paint roller. She referred to my talented carpenter son-in-law as their 'in house craftsman' and showed him pretending to hammer something, and she referred to her sister as her 'decorating consultant' and showed her looking as though she was assessing the curtains. Then the four of them stood together, looked into the camera and said that they would come after christmas, and in one day, give my bedroom a fresh coat of paint.

Wow! What a perfect gift! And what a wonderfully creative way to present it to me....not only would I get my bedroom freshly painted, I would get the company of my kids for a whole day! I keep that can in my bedroom as a reminder of my wonderful kids and their generosity towards this old mom. They gave me the gift of their time for a present.

Tomorrow I will go back in time to a Christmas when I was pregnant with my first child, driving from my home just outside Ottawa, to my parents' house in Toronto....in a snowstorm.

What Was Your Best Present Camoflauge?

2008-12-17T07:48:00.002-05:00

When my girls were young, their dad and I would take them to K-mart to shop for Christmas. He would take one daughter, I would take the other and they would buy a present for one another. It was great fun, very secretive and there were lots of giggles. For daughters so close in age, who spent most of their time together, it was hard but fun to keep the secret until Christmas.

When we got home, they each went to their own bedrooms, with their special present, some wrapping paper, scissors and tape. Very soon, one daughter calls out "Mom, would you come here?"

When I went to her room, she was looking at the gift she bought her sister, which was a gym bag (remember those?) and she said with a forlorn look in her eyes "Kelly will know just what this is if I pack it like this? I want to trick her, what am I going to do?"

A light went off in this young mother's head and I said "wait here, I have an idea...." and I went down to the kitchen to our recycles and got out a big juice can, cleaned it and dried it and brought it up to Tammy. "Let's pack it in this!" I said triumphantly. "Ya right Mom, it won't even fit."

I took the gym bag and rolled it up and squeezed it hard and sure enough, we were able to squeeze it into the juice can. Tammy felt triumphant as she wrapped up that can. She was sure Kelly would never ever guess what was in there. No sooner had we solved this problem than Kelly called from her room "Mom!"

As I entered Kelly's room, she was in the same quandry and she said "how am I going to wrap this sweater so Tammy won't know what it is. If I wrap it in a typical clothing box she will know...."

"Hold that thought Kelly, I have an idea..." and I ran down to the kitchen and once again retrieved a juice can, washed and dried it, and ran upstairs to show Kelly.

"Mom, this sweater won't fit into that can!" she said. "Just watch me" I said as I proceeded to squeeze that puffy sweater into the can, and you guessed it, it worked! Kelly was elated and was sure she would be able to fool her sister.

At this point I was quite proud of myself and could not wipe the grin off of my face. When they emerged from their rooms to place their secret gifts under the tree they were aghast, disappointed, and surprised to see what had happened and then they laughed with me. Of course, they each figured the other had bought them the same thing as they had. Christmas morning was a big surprise and a good laugh. I laughed the hardest. I don't think I have had as good an idea since then!

Tomorrow I will tell you about another good Christmas surprise that also involves a can! Stay tuned!

What Were Some of Your Most Memorable Christmas Presents?

2008-12-16T07:23:00.002-05:00

Memories of presents are very limited for me. It seems to be the people and the gatherings that I remember and the fun of cousins and games and food. I am happy to say that it is the same for my girls, and relieved that the presents were not the main memory at all. But that being said, there are two christmases that stand out for them, just because of the nature of the presents.

One year, my mother had come for a visit just before christmas. She asked if I had gotten cabbage patch dolls for the girls (since she knew they were all the rage) and I said no, because I couldn't afford them. She said that she didn't want the girls going to a therapist when they were grown women because they never got a cabbage patch doll like all of the other kids! (she was only half joking...) At that point she got on the phone and called every store in Toronto that she could think of until she found two, and she paid for them herself. Since my girls were not expecting such a gift, it was a great surprise for them, and they will always remember that.

Another Christmas stands out for my girls as well, as far as presents go. I will have to backtrack a bit to tell you about this one. In the summer of that year, my sister and I were at a yard sale where a young teenage girl was selling all of her barbie doll stuff which included two barbies, lots of clothes, a pink corvette, and enough furniture to fill a barbie house included a little battery operated stereo which actually worked. My sister (who had boys) said that I needed to buy the collection for my girls. The asking price was $25 and even though it was a great price, I did not have $25. So, my sister bought it and said I could pay her back when I had the money. I kept it hidden from the girls planning to give it to them for christmas.

The fall of that same year, my husband, who taught a night class, 'carpentry for women', was asked to have a barbie doll house as a project. The school paid for the sample house but we got to keep it. This also we kept a secret.

On christmas morning of that year, when my two little girls (who were used to small handmade gifts and a colouring book or two) saw this amazing site they were overwhelmed with joy. I still have pictures of them. They recall that as their best childhood christmas morning ever! And to think that their best christmas was their parents' cheapest christmas, costing only $25 plus a few stocking stuffers (I always found a huge orange and a huge apple can really make a stocking look full!)

I do have a point in telling you these stories. God is our provider. He provided certain kinds of presents for my girls, when their own parents could not (or would not). God is the one who provides. Sometimes he just lets us feel like we are helping him.

Tomorrow I can't wait to tell you about the fun we had camoflauging our presents.

What Was Your Saddest Christmas Ever?

2008-12-15T07:39:00.003-05:00

If you have been fortunate enough to know some happy Christmases, as I have, the sad ones really stand out. You probably can remember your saddest Christmas....I have three very sad Christmases.

The first was the first Christmas without my dad. He died suddenly at the age of 59 and it took us awhile just to get over the shock, before the grief set in. He was a positive, loving, vital force in our family, very much the head of the family and the hole he left behind could not be filled. This was my first great loss. (I had, for the most part up until this point led a charmed life, since my first great loss did not occur until this time, when I was thirty years old). I can remember thinking that I would just like to skip Christmas but everyone pointed out that we would have to have our first Christmas without him eventually and so we, of course, like all families experiencing loss, plodded through. There were four little grandchildren at that time to provide distraction and were a thankful focus. Our sadness contrasted with one's expectations of a happy christmas.

My mother remarried and Christmases after that took place at my sister's house and although my dad was always missed, we managed, as families do. One Christmas, my sister's oldest boy was diagnosed with cancer, the week before Christmas.... we were all reeling with grief and fear and dread. Christmas was instantly changed from my sister's house to my mom's house that year. My mom, who was not normally a big participater in these events but who was gifted with being able to arise to the occasion where necessary, went all out and got these wonderfully coloured stockings that could hold a pile of goodies, and she filled them to overflowing for the grandchildren. It was not something they were used to her doing and the children were surprised and excited. I can still see those stockings hanging in the hall. Full, they must have hung about five feet in length. It was a wonderful distraction for all of us and some festivity was brought into the day for the children despite the diagnosis which was looming in our midst. The chemotherapy treatments would begin the day after Christmas. I remember looking at my sister and her husband and thinking how, no matter what, they would never be the same again. I remember looking at my nephew John and just wanted to drink in the sight of his healthy little self. He is 33 years old today! Thank you Lord.

The next and last saddest Christmas was the first one after my husband left us. It was hard for my girls and I to feel as though we were even a family anymore. But that foundation of the larger family got us through. We kept to our usual routine of being home Christmas morning and opening our own gifts, then heading off to Toronto to be with the rest of the family. By this time my mother was onto husband #3 (she had been widowed twice) and again had not been hugely a part of the Christmas festivities, but again she rose to the occasion and went out of her way to make this one special (although to tell you the truth, the kind of grief I was in then, I don't remember much of the details).

What makes life even more difficult than it needs to be is expectations, and then having those expectations unfulfilled. Maybe we all need to take those expectations down a notch or two or more, so we can just enjoy whatever Christmas this year does, or doesn't bring. I think I am speaking to myself. Maybe the word 'merry' is the problem? Maybe there is pressure to have a 'merry' Christmas. What word could we substitute for it? I can't think of one, can you?

What Was Your Best Christmas Surprise Ever?

2008-12-13T08:41:00.000-05:00

My grown-up Christmases continued along, spending them mostly with my husband's small unhappy family, and rushing to Toronto, five hours away from my home outside Ottawa to spend at least some time with my family as well. All that travelling took the edge off of the festivities somewhat because I would be too tired to enjoy everyone once I got there.

Then the babies started to come and of course that gives Christmas new meaning once again. When my oldest daughter was one, and I was pregnant with my second, I had some minor complications with the pregnancy (baby due in February) and my doctor suggested I not travel at Christmas. My parents were only too happy to come to us, and my sister spent Christmas with her in-laws. I was grateful to my parents, and even though that made our numbers a little larger, there still seemed to be something missing from my Christmas.

On Christmas morning my sister called around 6 am, knowing that I would be up, and said that her kids had been up since five and they had already opened all of their presents and were on their way to her in-laws to spend the day.

As my husband, my parents and I enjoyed watching my little girl (only one year old) and getting the food ready for Christmas dinner which my in-laws would be joining us for, I couldn't help but think of all of the past Christmases.... and then at around noon, a car rolled into our driveway.... it looked like my sister and her family, but how????????????????? They had been preparing the surprise all along, everyone knew but me.

I ran out into the cold, sobbing tears of joy, and took my sister into my arms. Right then I knew what had been missing in all of my adult Christmases, not all of those cousins or traditions, or even being in the home where I grew up, just my sister, my best friend, my one constant in my life. As joyful as that Christmas was, I think I spent half of it crying, every time I would look at my dear sister. We promised each other that day, that whenever possible, from now on, we would spend our Christmases together.

And we did, whenever possible. I am thankful for that one constant in my life, my sister. There have been many changes since then, and so many more to come. My sister and I now live miles away from one another, me here in central Ontario, and her in North Carolina, but she is still a constant. We chat on the phone almost every day, and every Christmas morning she calls to wish me Merry Christmas and we both know that each other is thinking about the Christmases past, when we were together, two giggling sisters, through childhood, and motherhood, sicknesses, and health, good times and bad times. We still giggle when we are together as if we were only 10 and 12. We will laugh at things that no one else thinks is funny except us, the two sisters. When we are together it is always like Christmas!

What Was Your Most Disappointing Christmas?

2008-12-12T08:53:00.000-05:00

After surviving the discovery that Santa was not real, Christmases went along quite well for awhile as I continued to enjoy being surrounded by family. That was to change when my sister and I got married. We had other families to spend time with as well and so did not always manage to get everyone together anymore.

My first married Christmas was a whole new story. I was not really aware of how other families handled the season. Since my mother-in-law was widowed, and she only had one bachelor son besides my husband, I insisted that we spend Christmas with her instead of with my family. It only seemed fair.

My husband and I were still in university at the time. We drove 'home' to her house and got there on Christmas eve before she arrived home from work. When I walked in the door I was overwhelmed with the emptiness. There was not a Christmas decoration in sight! When she got home she was all tired and crabby and complaining about Christmas.

She was not one for music either, so the house was silent. Not even a Christmas cookie to be found. We had a wonderful dinner on Christmas day (she was a fabulous cook) but that was about as far as it went. There was no more family, no one dropping in, no fun at all. I felt like crying all day. (This in itself tells you that I had as yet in my young life experienced none of life's much greater sorrows.)

I realized at that point that to me Christmas was being with family, it had nothing to do with presents at all. How I missed my family that day.

The following year my mom invited my mother-in-law and brother-in-law to join all of us for Christmas. At least I got be with my own family again, but my Christmases were never quite the same after that. But how could it be? Children grow up and move, things change, they must.

But that is how life is supposed to be. We must move through the stages, learning as much as we can from each of them establishing new ways of doing things that suit for awhile and then making changes again where necessary.

Now, after sharing my most disappointing Christmas with you, tomorrow I will tell you about the best Christmas surprise ever!

Do You Remember Where You Were When You Learned There Was NO SANTA CLAUS?

2008-12-11T07:20:00.000-05:00

Finding out that Santa was not real happend to me when I was about eight years old. The only detail I remember was throwing myself down on the chesterfield in our living room, in utter despair and a flood of tears. I remember nothing before and after that. If this was a traumatic event, it lasted only a few minutes, for that is all I remember. But to a child, even a moment is traumatic. Children live in the moment, with little thought of the past or the future.

Santa Claus is a lovely legend and as parents we can get a lot of fun out of it. Who, as a parent doesn't enjoy watching their child believe in that magic for awhile? Who, as an adult, doesn't wish that for a moment, they could have the innocence of a child, believing everything that is told to them? Even now I enjoy many of the Christmas movies on TV where there is a theme of something magic, or something generous, of miracles.

I am thankful for parents who allowed me to have a happy childhood although when I look back at it I think may have been a little too sheltered from the realities of life. I had wonderful parents. They were not however, perfect parents. I read a quote this morning that made me think of my own childhood:

"If you can be everything to your children...if you can give them everything they want...they don't need God."

That is the kind of parents I had. I was so well cared for, and they were such solid supportive people, as well as people that you could look up to (and even idolize) that I needed no god, I had them. I would not come to know Him for myself until I was thirty years old.

It is so natural for us as parents to want to give to our children. Do we want to be Santa Claus to them, showering them with gifts? Do we want to be their God, helping them with every single problem, instead of letting them struggle a bit to find their own answers? Or do we want them to realize that we as parents are only human, but that God is not human and "He is the way, the truth and the light".

What are we pointing our children to? Are we pointing them to God?